I cannot remember the last watercolor I made.
I have had a creative block with it for at least a year and a half, maybe more.
This has been a mystery to me all this time. I feel intimidated by my own little efforts in that medium. I'm not a 'grand watercolorist'. I don't even aspire to whatever that means. But I DO like dabbling in the modest, naive, sort of illustration watercolor subjects. And to tell you the truth, when I finish a painting, almost every time .... I look at it and think.... Who made this? Couldn't possibly have been me.
For example:
I painted this several years ago. The thought of repeating this completely intimidates me. I keep this little thing perched in the corner of the whiteboard in my room and see it every day.
In the creative world, I have a pretty robust case of what is called "Imposter Syndrome".
Here's the definition:
Imposter syndrome, also known as impostor phenomenon, is a psychological experience where individuals doubt their abilities and feel like frauds, despite evidence of their competence. This often leads to a persistent fear of being exposed as inadequate or undeserving of their success.
That's me. Yep. I have it.
Anyway, I have been satisfying my need for color and creativity for quite some time with fountain pens and ink. But it's been in the back of my mind for a long time that I want to pick up a paintbrush again. It's actually mostly ridiculous that I am in this situation.
(I hope you don't expect me to contradict you. Because you are clearly ridiculous most of the time.)
I always know I can count on you.
(Just doin' my job.)
Yes. Well, I decided today to just do something with my watercolors that requires NO talent or skill whatsoever. Just so I could play with the paint and water and brush.
I made this chart of all the paints in my palette.
The hope is that somehow this will be like waving some magic wand that will give me the courage to paint another bird of some sort.
I enjoyed making the chart.
But I don't know if it will break the spell I am under. A self-induced debilitating fear of failure.
I thought maybe if I wrote about it here, it might ameliorate my trepidation.
(You know, this isn't rocket science. If Jackson Pollock could do what he did and get away with it.... I think you have a pretty good shot at some dinky little bird painting.)
Are you encouraging me? 😶
(Well, no. Just pointing out that it's pretty silly to be afraid of a bird that size.)
We shall see.... we shall see.
