Still not talking to the people. It is my own pain, I know no one can help me but I. I do not want advice on what to do. I have to find the answers on my own. Why would anyone want to know about my problems, anyway? My few attempts to share caused me even more agony over the guilt that I made the others uncomfortable. I try to imagine myself in the place of a friend. I wouldn’t know what to say! I would feel awkward, lost, embarrassed that I can’t come up with the real help. Why would I want to make others feel this way then? It seems that I can’t face the people until I’ll get back to being me.
When I was left alone, I pulled out the telephone cable – literally cut off myself from the world. Why do I keep doing it?! I don’t know…a simply question from a friend calling in last Saturday, asking how are you sent me into tears and into totally mute…I couldn’t speak and passed the phone to hb. I understand this means – I’m not ready yet to face the world. I am okay with e-mails though. Or anything un-voiced…it upsets me, mostly the fact that I’m no longer in control over my feelings. They get to decide when I should cry and the time is never appropriate…I’m a puppet with emotions playing with my strings…
The days in the office slipped through relatively smoothly – when I don’t have to talk about ME, I seemed to be okay. However, in terms of efficiency I’m almost zero. Concentration is minimal, motivation – nil, interest in what I am doing – zilch. My functionality comes to keeping basic routines…
Driving home from work became the worst time of a day. Used to be my favourite. *sigh*
I tried counselling at some point. Didn't work for me. I booked an appointment when I had a strange outbreak of the emotional wave – I started to cry with no apparent reason and no trigger at all!…I was just driving, you know, driving to work…and it freaked me out so totally that my mind understood how irrational the hysteric was, yet I couldn’t stop it...that day another wave has happened later… I was scared by loosing control like that and decided I have to get professional help, so I booked a counselling service.
I came and ask them if they can help me to take my emotions under control...you know, I do not need them to help me to decide anything or help with letting go or else...I just needed help to teach me how not to deal with unexpected emotional wave…ok...they asked me to tell my story…of course they have to know why it’s happening. They listened and then stopped me there, half-way through and said: yes, you do need counselling....DUH!!!! If I didn't need it, would I come in the first place???? And when I asked is this is all you can offer me right now? They said: well, the first session is always just finding out if you DO need a counselling…gee, who do they think I am - brainless child, incapable to recognise when I do need help and when I’m just being slightly depressed?
That “enlightening” cost me £45 and frustration and anger for the rest of the evening…and they call it counselling…and the most upsetting I thought that it's ok that I might be able to manage eventually...but imagine - someone else who will be TRULY in need, comes...and they tell them: first session is not the real treatment, but just to see if you need one. So this person might just walk out from them and commit suicide…because in reality no one fucking cares…
In a way, of course, they kind of "help" me anyway - when I finally realised that I cannot rely on no one to help me to get through, I have to bring myself together and do it for me myself…and frankly, I think I'll get there quicker then if with anybody's help...
The only thing that works for me for now is the abolishement of the future. I found it is easier if I concentrate on getting through one single day and do not think of what might happen in the future...one day at a time, one step at a time...no hurry, I have to walk slowly for I carry broken pieces...like a patient after operation...learning to live again...
When I was left alone, I pulled out the telephone cable – literally cut off myself from the world. Why do I keep doing it?! I don’t know…a simply question from a friend calling in last Saturday, asking how are you sent me into tears and into totally mute…I couldn’t speak and passed the phone to hb. I understand this means – I’m not ready yet to face the world. I am okay with e-mails though. Or anything un-voiced…it upsets me, mostly the fact that I’m no longer in control over my feelings. They get to decide when I should cry and the time is never appropriate…I’m a puppet with emotions playing with my strings…
The days in the office slipped through relatively smoothly – when I don’t have to talk about ME, I seemed to be okay. However, in terms of efficiency I’m almost zero. Concentration is minimal, motivation – nil, interest in what I am doing – zilch. My functionality comes to keeping basic routines…
Driving home from work became the worst time of a day. Used to be my favourite. *sigh*
I tried counselling at some point. Didn't work for me. I booked an appointment when I had a strange outbreak of the emotional wave – I started to cry with no apparent reason and no trigger at all!…I was just driving, you know, driving to work…and it freaked me out so totally that my mind understood how irrational the hysteric was, yet I couldn’t stop it...that day another wave has happened later… I was scared by loosing control like that and decided I have to get professional help, so I booked a counselling service.
I came and ask them if they can help me to take my emotions under control...you know, I do not need them to help me to decide anything or help with letting go or else...I just needed help to teach me how not to deal with unexpected emotional wave…ok...they asked me to tell my story…of course they have to know why it’s happening. They listened and then stopped me there, half-way through and said: yes, you do need counselling....DUH!!!! If I didn't need it, would I come in the first place???? And when I asked is this is all you can offer me right now? They said: well, the first session is always just finding out if you DO need a counselling…gee, who do they think I am - brainless child, incapable to recognise when I do need help and when I’m just being slightly depressed?
That “enlightening” cost me £45 and frustration and anger for the rest of the evening…and they call it counselling…and the most upsetting I thought that it's ok that I might be able to manage eventually...but imagine - someone else who will be TRULY in need, comes...and they tell them: first session is not the real treatment, but just to see if you need one. So this person might just walk out from them and commit suicide…because in reality no one fucking cares…
In a way, of course, they kind of "help" me anyway - when I finally realised that I cannot rely on no one to help me to get through, I have to bring myself together and do it for me myself…and frankly, I think I'll get there quicker then if with anybody's help...
The only thing that works for me for now is the abolishement of the future. I found it is easier if I concentrate on getting through one single day and do not think of what might happen in the future...one day at a time, one step at a time...no hurry, I have to walk slowly for I carry broken pieces...like a patient after operation...learning to live again...