Waking up to the emptiness in the house…who would’ve thought that weekends and holidays can be so depressing…I think I will be better when the work started. Then I won’t be staying in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what is better option – to get out of bed or to stay in till the evening…either one doesn’t change a thing…
I’m thinking what he might’ve thought when made a decision to go at Christmas…I am trying to imagine would it be easier if he’d go during the working weeks…maybe not, but then I will never know. He choose to go when he choose to go…it was so not him leaving me knowing that I’m going to be on my own. Christmas…well, maybe not that mattered…New Year…we have 23 of them spent together, each year…somehow it used to be the most important holiday of a year…then birthday…I just can’t imagine him enjoying his time there…simply can’t. He was never capable to hurt anyone so much…for his friends he would give his time and energy when they needed, often taking this time from family and his own interests…he was always there for his friends…and now he is not here for me…how ironic…He recently said “I so wish we can stay friends”… there is another man…someone I don’t know… he used to be my husband…
I’ve been thinking about how he keeps changing my life with his choices…when you married too early you don’t have a chance to live your own life, to create your own world, to find your own self. I’ve been with him since 18. I created my life to follow his. What other options did I have anyway?...we just lived like everybody else. A family. Never had bad times…coped with whatever challenges life thrown onto us…11 years later he decided to move abroad…gosh, how I hated this Little Island…I called it my prison…for 5 first years I cried about Russia…then simply got used to it…no love, no patriotic feelings… just another place to live…while he was pursuing his carrier further and further, I’ve lost everything – my family, friends, job…had to start from scratch again…while he worked in his speciality, I did factories shifts, days, nights… eventually climbing up professional ladder again…never returned into my profession though…it was him who choose a new carrier direction for me…not that I complain. Could’ve been worse, I guess…at least at the place I work now I feel comfortable. In fact I can say I love it here…I’ve been in this job 5 years and still enjoy it…and yet I might have to change it now, once again, because of his choice…even leaving he managed to force unwanted changes on me…
Somehow you’re right and writing does help a bit…I’ve started in tears and now my eyes are dry…Some might know very well how I hate pity…and look at this girl now – totally drown in self-pity, soaked in tears, crushed and powerless…see – I cannot even put on that smiley mask anymore…do you still recognise me? Am I still the same? Who the hell am I? I don’t know anymore…
On the other side of my life, where the life goes on, troubles keep coming and by Murphy laws troubles always come when those who can deal with them are gone…not only I had to do some stupid men’s work in my stupid female-minded redecoration project (and I know it was my idea of keeping my mind occupied over holidays, so I’m not complaining, I’m just ranting in regret I ever had this crazy idea in the first place) now I broke a shower…and no, it wasn’t included in my bedroom redecoration, it simply fell off and the twisting thingy is broken on it…can it get any better?!
I’m thinking what he might’ve thought when made a decision to go at Christmas…I am trying to imagine would it be easier if he’d go during the working weeks…maybe not, but then I will never know. He choose to go when he choose to go…it was so not him leaving me knowing that I’m going to be on my own. Christmas…well, maybe not that mattered…New Year…we have 23 of them spent together, each year…somehow it used to be the most important holiday of a year…then birthday…I just can’t imagine him enjoying his time there…simply can’t. He was never capable to hurt anyone so much…for his friends he would give his time and energy when they needed, often taking this time from family and his own interests…he was always there for his friends…and now he is not here for me…how ironic…He recently said “I so wish we can stay friends”… there is another man…someone I don’t know… he used to be my husband…
I’ve been thinking about how he keeps changing my life with his choices…when you married too early you don’t have a chance to live your own life, to create your own world, to find your own self. I’ve been with him since 18. I created my life to follow his. What other options did I have anyway?...we just lived like everybody else. A family. Never had bad times…coped with whatever challenges life thrown onto us…11 years later he decided to move abroad…gosh, how I hated this Little Island…I called it my prison…for 5 first years I cried about Russia…then simply got used to it…no love, no patriotic feelings… just another place to live…while he was pursuing his carrier further and further, I’ve lost everything – my family, friends, job…had to start from scratch again…while he worked in his speciality, I did factories shifts, days, nights… eventually climbing up professional ladder again…never returned into my profession though…it was him who choose a new carrier direction for me…not that I complain. Could’ve been worse, I guess…at least at the place I work now I feel comfortable. In fact I can say I love it here…I’ve been in this job 5 years and still enjoy it…and yet I might have to change it now, once again, because of his choice…even leaving he managed to force unwanted changes on me…
Somehow you’re right and writing does help a bit…I’ve started in tears and now my eyes are dry…Some might know very well how I hate pity…and look at this girl now – totally drown in self-pity, soaked in tears, crushed and powerless…see – I cannot even put on that smiley mask anymore…do you still recognise me? Am I still the same? Who the hell am I? I don’t know anymore…
On the other side of my life, where the life goes on, troubles keep coming and by Murphy laws troubles always come when those who can deal with them are gone…not only I had to do some stupid men’s work in my stupid female-minded redecoration project (and I know it was my idea of keeping my mind occupied over holidays, so I’m not complaining, I’m just ranting in regret I ever had this crazy idea in the first place) now I broke a shower…and no, it wasn’t included in my bedroom redecoration, it simply fell off and the twisting thingy is broken on it…can it get any better?!