There will be no travels for a while…
I’ve been thinking…aaah yesssss…my favourite phrase and it is back again :-) “I’ve been thinking” usually means that I’ve been pondering the questions that have little or nothing to do with the realities of day to day life. “I’ve been thinking” as in philosophical way rather then a practical way. So if philosophy bores you, stop reading this now.
The necessity of writing down thoughts and ideas rather then chronological events of life comes with the need to find in each event if not a lesson, then at least a pattern. Why do we do what we do…am I the only one who does it this way…why others do it differently…how often do I have to do it again and again to find the best way to do it. Life seems so lifeless if we just allow her to happen to us. I might dream of a quiet times lost in doing nothings, but only as a time of rest between the other times, of time to re-charge, to find the balance.
I’m not in a struggle with my inner self. Nothing is as much trying in my life as I wouldn’t be capable to bare. I’m not in peace either. But guess, this is not as bad as it sounds. When we are not in peace with ourselves, we keep searching for it. And this means – we are growing. We’re learning, we are gaining skills. I suppose, if I ever find my peace of mind, I’ll get bored pretty soon and the boredom will create new purpose, new dissatisfactions to satisfy, new mountains to climb…this is a circle of growth. Or shall I say – rather – a spiral. Each new round – on a different level. Looking back down it is easy to see the path we walked…the pattern we used, the mistakes we made. Hopefully at some turning point we will see why we made them. or even that what we thought was a mistake, in fact was for our benefit. We just labelled it a mistake because at time when it happened, it brought negativity with it. Not all of the changes can be positive. But the purpose is – to strive for the positive effect of the change, be it a gain or a lesson.
Ok, it’s all good to say in generic terms that sound sort of right. Do I follow my own strategy? Am I happy with the way I react to life’s challenges? Sure not. But instead of panicking and desperately grasping for any chance to change something immediately, I now prefer to slow down, shut the unnecessary issues for that moment and let the important stuff get through my mind in proper pace.
To sum up about the holidays I have to tell about the other side of them.
I had a good rest. But that didn’t mean I left my worries at home and allowed myself to relax and enjoy my holidays “as if nothing happened”. This hasn’t been my purpose. Instead I had an unique opportunity to think in the absence of any disruptions…I spent a lot of time sitting by the ocean, watching waves and letting my thoughts come to me as they will. It wasn’t my purpose to find a solution. My task was to find my reaction to what happened, the one that I can be happy with. One step at a time, one thought at a time, no need to rush into making decisions or changing the lifestyle or breaking own integrity…all in its time. I’m quite pleased with the outcome of these two weeks. I have had an interesting ideas, I’ve come across some unexpected lessons and learned some things about me that I always knew but never valued enough to be proud of…One can say – I met a messenger my fate have sent to let me know who I am…I still don’t know what to do. Yet I feel content and peaceful. If not a little bit…released…(hmm, not sure if this is the word, but it’s the closest I can think of)
The important thing I understood about me – I don’t have to start from scratch. I am not a blank canvass to paint in new colours and new style. I have what I have, the things I gained so far and some of these are good things, worthy to keep. I don’t have to turn myself inside out in order to change my life. I just have to pull those little things that developed the wrong way and work on them, one by one. No rush as we can mess them up again. This time is the time for the fine finishings, cutting off the imperfect corners and grinding the facets that don’t fit into the frame of me any more…I just have to figure out where do I start...
I’ve been thinking…aaah yesssss…my favourite phrase and it is back again :-) “I’ve been thinking” usually means that I’ve been pondering the questions that have little or nothing to do with the realities of day to day life. “I’ve been thinking” as in philosophical way rather then a practical way. So if philosophy bores you, stop reading this now.
The necessity of writing down thoughts and ideas rather then chronological events of life comes with the need to find in each event if not a lesson, then at least a pattern. Why do we do what we do…am I the only one who does it this way…why others do it differently…how often do I have to do it again and again to find the best way to do it. Life seems so lifeless if we just allow her to happen to us. I might dream of a quiet times lost in doing nothings, but only as a time of rest between the other times, of time to re-charge, to find the balance.
I’m not in a struggle with my inner self. Nothing is as much trying in my life as I wouldn’t be capable to bare. I’m not in peace either. But guess, this is not as bad as it sounds. When we are not in peace with ourselves, we keep searching for it. And this means – we are growing. We’re learning, we are gaining skills. I suppose, if I ever find my peace of mind, I’ll get bored pretty soon and the boredom will create new purpose, new dissatisfactions to satisfy, new mountains to climb…this is a circle of growth. Or shall I say – rather – a spiral. Each new round – on a different level. Looking back down it is easy to see the path we walked…the pattern we used, the mistakes we made. Hopefully at some turning point we will see why we made them. or even that what we thought was a mistake, in fact was for our benefit. We just labelled it a mistake because at time when it happened, it brought negativity with it. Not all of the changes can be positive. But the purpose is – to strive for the positive effect of the change, be it a gain or a lesson.
Ok, it’s all good to say in generic terms that sound sort of right. Do I follow my own strategy? Am I happy with the way I react to life’s challenges? Sure not. But instead of panicking and desperately grasping for any chance to change something immediately, I now prefer to slow down, shut the unnecessary issues for that moment and let the important stuff get through my mind in proper pace.
To sum up about the holidays I have to tell about the other side of them.
I had a good rest. But that didn’t mean I left my worries at home and allowed myself to relax and enjoy my holidays “as if nothing happened”. This hasn’t been my purpose. Instead I had an unique opportunity to think in the absence of any disruptions…I spent a lot of time sitting by the ocean, watching waves and letting my thoughts come to me as they will. It wasn’t my purpose to find a solution. My task was to find my reaction to what happened, the one that I can be happy with. One step at a time, one thought at a time, no need to rush into making decisions or changing the lifestyle or breaking own integrity…all in its time. I’m quite pleased with the outcome of these two weeks. I have had an interesting ideas, I’ve come across some unexpected lessons and learned some things about me that I always knew but never valued enough to be proud of…One can say – I met a messenger my fate have sent to let me know who I am…I still don’t know what to do. Yet I feel content and peaceful. If not a little bit…released…(hmm, not sure if this is the word, but it’s the closest I can think of)
The important thing I understood about me – I don’t have to start from scratch. I am not a blank canvass to paint in new colours and new style. I have what I have, the things I gained so far and some of these are good things, worthy to keep. I don’t have to turn myself inside out in order to change my life. I just have to pull those little things that developed the wrong way and work on them, one by one. No rush as we can mess them up again. This time is the time for the fine finishings, cutting off the imperfect corners and grinding the facets that don’t fit into the frame of me any more…I just have to figure out where do I start...