The Fall is here. And she is chilly but still remains beautiful for the time being. Not for long though, not for long, you can feel it in the air. Time for the seasonal changes. Last weekend was windy, but sunny and dry. I woke up at …midday?! (it is my official “weekend awakening time”, boo hoo to me) and out of the blue decided to cut the grass in the garden. That’s one of the very few things that I actually appreciate about being on my own – I don’t have to plan for things anymore. I just do them when I feel like doing. So the grass was cut and then I noticed the overgrown bushes and flowerbed overrun by the weeds…you know how things happen “on impulse”? I gave up 4 hours of my life to the slavish hardship and now officially refuse to lift a finger for this garden ever again…until the spring time. But I am shamelessly pleased with myself and with the results anyway. Especially considering that today we had rain and the temperature dropped rather noticeably.
So what else is worthy of mentioning…On Wednesday this week I’m going to see Richard Bandler again. He’s in London and he’s doing this 3-4 hours presentation of what NLP is all about. I know I won’t hear anything new there, but somehow it feels as if my positive energy is running out and it is time to refill it again. I have now this strange sense of cautious…even fear I would say about going back into the state I’ve just about successfully managed to climb out from. And although I cannot truly remember on a physical level how exactly I felt, say, a year ago, I am over-certain that it was bad, really bad. So bad that I actually find myself panicking at first signs of falling back into this state. I think, the panic happens even before I can feel the actual change of the mood. It is like having survived road accident one can feel threatened by even a thought of having to drive again. I’m glad I survived, happy that I’ve got over it, confident in my power and strength but totally terrified of the perspective to do it again, even when I know I’m learned and know every know-how of survival guide. Or, perhaps, I’m terrified BECAUSE I now know what it is that I will have to get through. One of those rare experiences when you’re not going to do it better next time, just because you’ve done it once already…No way. And if it means I have to stay away from any kind of relationships, I will gladly build my walls and keep my distance. There is much more joy to life then meeting people whom you cannot trust.