MissTick
Thingish Things

I found that I began to talk to myself ever so often now. Not in my head, but talking as in talking aloud. And it is not always a positive talk. I remember Richard Bandler's idea of finding the voice that you talk to yourself and replace it with a more pleasant voice or funny voice or else. So that when it talks of unpleasant things, you won't take it seriously and when you'd wish to encourage yourself, just choose the voice you enjoy listen to. I'm still to find such voice. Most of my idle talks are spoken in a voice of disappointment, anger or sarcasm...

There are few things that I’m still doing the way I used to do – the “family way”. Not intentionally. Just takes its time to adjust to the solo mode. When I go groceries shopping, I always end up with the family size trolley filled to the brim. And only after the checkout I look at it terrified what I am going to do with all this…I cannot help it. It happens every time I shop. 23 years of habit, I suppose, die hard. I found canning workaround this particular problem – I do my shopping once a month now. Seems to work. But the shopping process itself doesn’t bring positive emotions anymore. The other thing I still am doing is – saving my holidays, days of annual leave. If somebody can tell me – what I’m saving them for, I’ll be grateful. I do not know. It’s just a habit, which became somewhat inconvenient to keep leaving a possibility to adjust to another’s vacations to share them…as if there is another, huh…I simply do not need vacations anymore…so for a second year I ended up with almost half of my annual leave unused and as it is a use it or loose it situation (again!), reluctantly I’ve booked a week off, just to cut down the carry over days to make them look reasonable. Pity I can’t sell them, huh.

I feel like a fool – only recently I’ve done the whole redecoration project without taking days off, when I had plenty. Why? God knows. And look what happened now – I have no more tasks I can occupy myself with. I dislike being at home on my own. It has been my experience that this drags me down pretty much every time. As if all the disturbing thoughts are waiting in ambush until the “right time”, when I’m less occupied with daily stuff I do, they delve into my mind as soon as there is a chance. I dislike going away as well. I do not know why. Maybe it is because of there is no one to wave farewell and to miss the absence…or maybe because there will be no one to welcome home. It is one of these things on a list WhatSucksAboutBeingAlone. No one to see off and no one to meet and greet. It doesn’t bring any misbalance into Universe if I’m here or there. So I’m having both of the two exciting options. I’ve just spent few days away in Essex and committed the rest of the week to the home or whatever else might win my attention…

I found Essex peaceful and disturbing the same time. I’ve been to the seaside. I never miss the sea when I go there. This time I went to Felixstowe – a big port, but the same time a very out of date seaside resort occupied mostly by OAP. Due to this fact, there was hardly anybody at the sea side and the weather was absolutely amazing, Indian Summer in its best and my day was perfect. I’ve been meeting friends and other people, whom I haven’t seen for some time, they looked at me with sympathy and so very carefully expressed their interest in how I am these days. I found it a bit silly they don’t talk directly, as if by default the ex-days have become a taboo for discussion. I didn’t keep everyone updated, yet everyone seems to know all the news. Perhaps, it’s for the better. I felt tired of people. Not of the people themselves, but of being all the time around those who used to know “us”, as opposed to know “me”. Unnecessary memories have been triggered now and then. I was glad to see my friends, yet seeing our friends coloured the visit in a greyish hue and called for me to return sooner then I initially intended – there was no point to stay in a place that creates all the wrong emotions. I wasn't running away, I was doing what makes more sense. So here I am, back to the slightly cold and empty home, strangely feeling more relaxed… 

And perhaps, this is just the matter of me making an issue out of nothing. And perhaps, it is just a season. Autumn does bring with her overdose of sentiments…and I have to remind myself if I do make a point, I might as well make it in a right, helpful voice. 

*repeats the same with a Donald Duck accent*