I’ve been thinking…there are plenty of things one can do as a single, there are also certain things that required a hand. Not talking about the DIY around the house or personal pleasures business. I’ve been taken by a sudden whim of doing more dancing then I already do. I’ve fallen under the spell of a sultry Argentinean tango. It’s a dance like no other. And I’m totally obsessed with it at this particular moment of my life. I developed this new pattern – if I “think” I’d fancy something, I have to find a way to try it at least once to either justify my fancy or discharge it as a mistake… It was not difficult at all to find a tango class in Oxford and it’s a fourth time I’m “trying”. I like it. No, scrap this. I love it. It is not a dance, more – a dialogue. And if you manage to reach a perfect understanding, the conversation will grow into a passionate 3-minutes relationship on a dance floor. Anyway…that was not at all the point I was making, by the way…but of certain things you can and cannot do as a single. I’m enjoying tango classes so very much. And I’m not willing to quit for such a silly reason as that I have no partner. As a matter of fact, I have an advantage compare to the other dancers in my class – I get to dance with the teacher more then anyone else. However, last class it suddenly dawned upon me: the pointlessness of learning tango on my own; what is the use of this skill, if I won’t be able to apply it in random social gatherings. It is one thing to be able to dance a tango. Finding a partner who also knows the steps is entirely different story. So it suddenly hits me at the last lesson – no matter how well I learn, I will never be able to enjoy this dance. Now, that’s a bit of put off, isn’t it? My other dance class, ceroc, is completely different in this regard. It is a very social event, with the etiquette invented specifically for those who like to dance but do not want to go-find-yourself-a-partner. I’ve been doing it for 2 years and never had to sit the evening through. Now tango is a different story. By definition it is a dance for two. So it is only natural that those who do come to learn it, come with their partners. Boo hoo to me, the only partnerless tango dancer in the class. So far I enjoy it way too much to quit, but at some point there will come a moment of a question what’s the point…
I’ve been thinking…how people deal with the conflict of interests. When these interests are totally internal, in your mind. When the what you desire and the right thing to do come from different directions and on a crossroad they collide. I have my own way of coping. I play…movies. As in I imagine it is a movie and I’m a character in it. And the same time I am an audience. Big screen, back row, pop corn, and all, you know. As a character I am always a hero, not a villain, therefore I am always making the “right choice” and watching myself with the pride for being truthful to the end. It is supposed to override the regret for loosing the might-have-been-dreams and to “detach” yourself from the possible pains – it’s not real, it’s a movie, duh! You do not exist, I imagine you kind of line. Sometimes this works pretty well, sometimes it doesn’t. There have to be more ways to deal with this.
I’ve been thinking…something about being layered. Well, I don’t like onions. In fact I’m allergic to them. For real. The way I deal with onions when cooking – I strip them of their layers in one firm slash. Cut with a knife and pull the thick coat of the peelings in one go. I cannot stand taking off layer by layer, it brings tears into my eyes. I’m thinking that in reality I would prefer the acute pain of a clear cut to the slow agony of peeling the skin.
I’ve been thinking about patience…I am her. Yet from time to time no patience is enough in dealing with those who has no respect for it. When I’m reaching out, I’m not expecting socialising. I’m in need of help. Do I look like the one who will turn to the virtual world just to chat about bollocks of reality? So I play my favourite movie and watch me taking the “right” way and stepping back into the shadows of the past. And nominate myself for Oscar for the best role in this comedy of errors.