These are ponderings around a relationship, which I stubbornly refuse to call a “relationship”, just because it feels like if I define it like that, I will become committed to it. And commitment is a trigger word. A scary word. Uncomfortable word.
Although I cannot complain on a quality of time spent with this particular person, I am beginning to feel how my life, my very own very private life slips away from me and gradually being replaced by “our” life…and I feel resistance to this in my heart and mind. Nothing to do with the person personally, mind you. Just noticing how the balance of me-us being shifted to one side made me uncomfortable. Frankly, I do not think I ever had my own private life until these last years after getting rid of a shared one. Left my parents’ nest and have been on my own just a year before starting my very own family. Not quite an extended experience isn’t it. Add to it a dozen years of living in a “foreign land”, still insulated by the family and I find myself being somewhat lost in this map of life, needing to find the DOT which says “you are here”.
Having all the incoming changes dauntingly hanging in the air with the parents’ relocation, son returning back home from his long term trip abroad certainly doesn’t make things easier. I have this sense of being in between two chapters of my life - the married-part and the looking-after-parents-part, so nothing of what is happening here and now has a permanent sense to it. And that’s why I think I resent to accept it that I might be “in relationships”. Yet I am not sure how to call it otherwise. Friendship with benefits? And if something different comes along, does it make me unavailable? Strange how after being the word of honour, the commitment suddenly becomes the word of fear.
Another slightly disturbing realisation that at this point of time I feel how what was an almost receded anger towards the x is making a comeback. He’s enjoying choices he made for the both of us, and I have to wade through the unfamiliar waters and deal with all the fears and hesitations and insecurities I’ve been left with plus all the ones I’ve acquired in the process of dealing. Unfair is being written across my heart like a final resolution on decision someone's made for me and signed off. Nothing seems to bring peace to my mind, no matter from which angle I try to look at it. And the best way is not to give it much thought for now. Time might help eventually to solve this piece of life’s puzzle. And the waiting time is easier when it is good. Guess, I have to do my best to make a good time out of this time.