I envy those who can “always have fun” no matter what they do. Not in a bad way envy, mind you, yet still have this unsettling feeling that there is a somewhat secret key exists and only a selected few know it. I’m buried under the pile of “unfun” things that keep falling into my pockets, as soon as one dealt with or thought through how to deal with, the other one drops on top and ruins the foundation build with care and much effort. Then there comes that moment when you feel overwhelmed as much as being locked up, unable to move anywhere. I have an issue and who doesn’t. And my issue is more important than yours why exactly. Just because it is me who has to deal with it, that’s why. So... tough. Life never promised to be easy. And what I’m whinging about could be easily resolved by someone with a bit of more positive attitude. That’s all that is needed really. The resources I have got. I just cannot see them at this moment, but they are there, I know I can feel it, it’s that sixth sense. But sometimes it is not a tangible assets that make all the difference but the attitude.
What I’ve noticed that while there might be only one little thing of discouraging value, it can potentially dis-courage all the rest of good intentions. I’m tired not of the global problem but of the gazillion of tiny yet nonetheless annoying ones. I have right to whinge and vent it off here because I know that in reality I will just get on with it and nobody will hear what I want to say. Yes, I feel angry. Mostly at myself for being irritated by circumstances that are not in my control. For not being able to get “above it” and for letting another’s actions define the state of my mind. All that is happening to me is the result, direct or indirect, of the actions of others. Or, according to NLP theory, of my reactions to the actions of the others. Whatever. As I struggle my way through the mountains of creative and financial problems with my extension project, more and more often I think of how easier it all could’ve been if we’d have it done while there were still the two of us in a family’s breadwinning team. Ironically, when it was all oh so easy, ex never wished to bother. I often think of it as a betrayal of some sort. He knew so well that sooner or later I will have to take care of my mother and that sooner or later we will have to adapt the house for disable person. We’ve discussed this not once. But he never agreed to take the actions in advance, it was always a “good” reason for not to. Didn’t make a different now thought, that I’m left to do it on my own and as a matter of urgency. Thank you, selfish prick. It is interesting that it is not what he did but what he didn’t do that reminds me of him constantly. Of course it was all my own fault that I let him rule my world and choose what I should or should not do. A wife of convenience, I was. And a highly adaptable version. Ironically, I was kind of proud that I different to a demanding type, like many others we knew around us. And now all that is left in me is anger. Anger at myself that I wasn’t.
He doesn’t bother me. I haven’t heard of him and haven’t spoken to him for about 4 years , as if he doesn’t exists. Yet rarely a day goes by when I do not think of him. Not because I miss him. But because around literally every corner I am reminded of how limited was his contribution into our family, how unsupportive of my needs he used to be. Yes, damn it, I am angry. And I think I have all the reasons to be. But I hope for a day when my mind finds the way out of this poisoned emotion. This will be the day when I’ll say: may his Karma find him.
Occasionally we get to meet people who touch us and leave an imprint upon our heart. Still, eventually, they will disappoint our expectations in one or another way. We tend to base our expectations on the peak of their effect on us. Anything they do after that naturally will be less than that. Yet I cannot help but notice how in time with time we care less and less of it all. And there will come a moment when a thought might come to our mind of making them aware of how we feel about the distance created...but more often than not I catch myself thinking why bother. An indifference born from indifference. Action- reaction circular flow...
My new free-lodger still haven’t found a job, in fact, he didn’t found what to do with himself and therefore spends his days sitting in the room, playing on the computer, promptly making trips to the kitchen, him, being a perfectly healthy young man, naturally needing food. How long he will stay, I don’t know. But neither can I ask him to leave, how it is possible when he doesn’t have anywhere to go. The Kid is moving out from his rented flat in London and for the time while he’ll be looking for another place he will come to stay with us. I can hear me laughing hysterically at the comical situation I’ve got into when I have all and nothing at the same time. The planning permission has finally appeared on the registration website. The date we’re given as a “go ahead” is the 9th of July. So far. Might get changed, but for now all I should be certain in that for at least a month I still can have a quiet time on occasions when it is not a frantic time of other activities. Is this a good thing? Yes, it is! Any opportunity is a welcomed opportunity.
Finally. The new DD. First migration attempt failed. I mean, the diary migrated ok, but some entries came out on the other end somewhat corrupted with the pieces of html code inserted into them. So while I am waiting for this to be sorted out, I’ll stick with this place for a while. No point to break my brains trying to sort this out until it can be looked into by Steve first. In fact, I have my private diary migrated exactly the same way, with exactly the same glitches. Could be something of a more general bug rather than “user’s fault”. That’s my wish, anyway. *wink wink*