MissTick
Thingish Things

The day has come when I am able to just sit, take a moment to relax and look back with amusement at how this year unfolded. Or, to be exact, contemplate on how did I manage to live through it.  I forgot how does it feel to have a spare time. I have abandoned this place for some time now and I’m not happy about that. The sentiment goes a long way ago when DDLand used to be the only place where I get to say what’s on my mind, even if nobody listened. We all do have that need to say it out loud. Just not all of us find the way to fulfil it truly. DD was and still is like a home to me. So many words have been etched on its walls, so many pains and so many joys, so many friends have been gained... I’ve been busy with the reality, yet it is not a valid excuse for the absence from the virtual home. It was not that I’ve been lazy or didn’t have anything to say. Describing my state recently I called it as if my mind is blanked out. Blunted vacuum inside my brains. I think this comes when reality overwhelms just slightly more than mind can tolerate. We do need a safety valve to vent it off what overwhelms us. But never mind, none of this is as important as the fact that I’m here and now and I have an opportunity to review this year. This year was difficult. This year was a success, nevertheless. I have achieved what I never thought I could. Yet I did. Of course, the big house renovation matter dominates this year’s  summary as it affected everything around me, everything within me and I’m sure, the effect hit others around me too, in one way or another. Of course, house renovation is all what year 2012 was all about. This is by far The Biggest Thing I ever accomplished in my life. Funny how some years before I used to say getting over divorce was The Biggest Thing. At least with the house the results are plain visible and, frankly, *she is so modest, don't you think?!* - stunning.  Can I say the same about myself? Nah, I’m still a big “work-in-progress” and I can’t see the end of it. But maybe there is no end when one is self-developing. Spiritually I feel pretty balanced nowadays. Emotionally – still need to work on it. Physically...oh, I’d better say “let’s not mention it”. I haven’t noticed the moment when the sharp stings of the memories of X have been replaced by the somewhat bitter aftertaste sensation when I think of him. I have learned to talk and mention him and even say his name aloud. That’s a progress, since I wasn’t able to do so without fighting with the tears and feeling my heart being squeezed to a pain. Time is the great healer; it is true what they say. Almost five years now. I wonder how long before I can totally enjoy the indifference. I’ve been chatting with the neighbour recently and he mentioned that in some way he envies me. While I do have responsibilities, I also have this luxury of making my own decisions. I thought, this is true and it does feels like luxury. The one I never had before. This was the first time I felt something alike to a pity towards my X. He might be still married, who knows...did he do me a favour when he left? Possibly. From time to time I do hear from our mutual friends things I would deny with all my heart would I still be living with this man. It seems as if everybody could see it, apart from me. There must be a reason for all that happened. I just cannot see it yet. Nor that I wish to know, mind you. I’m not the one who analyses mistakes of the past over and over. It is not good for your health, you know. What is the point to ponder why a mistake happened? It is enough to know it was a mistake and concentrate on how to prevent it from happening again. I think, I’m guarded well from it now. Guess, this is it, all about this year. Almost the end of it, and thanks God for that. There are now two main things on my list of Don’t Do It Again, one is – marriage, the second one – renovation of any scale. I planned this entry to be a serious version of the year’s end. A thoughtful reflection on the results of 2012. In my books, while not easy, it was still better than the previous one, mainly because what I came to the end with are some noticeable changes. Both, in my life and in my mind. So all is good. And my wish is to get the next one to be even better than that.  My pre-emptive New Year’s resolution.