So many thoughts I wanted to share, yet the time didn't let me capture them as they come. Or maybe it was only partially time's fault and the rest of fault has been mine, all mine. I wrote a fair amount of entries over the last weeks, yet none of them was typed into any tangible pages. Perhaps, technically correct would be to say I thought a lot of entries lately...
the d-word...a thought was triggered by somebody's mentioned it in their journal. I wanted to comment at first, but in the proccess of defining my point of view the idea of a comment has been lost somehow and provoked the whole train of my own musings on the topic. I still am not comfortable with the word divorce. almost five years and I'm not embracing the simple fact that I am now in the different tick box in the family status. it annoys me that in every application form, even for car insurance or such they have this differentiation between divorced and single. I mean - why the fuck do they need to know and whether it affects my premium how I answer. I also would like to know when there will be a time to stop calling yourself divorced and start being single? I mean, seriously, at which point in time does one stops refer to themselves with humiliating title divorcee and starts wearing proud label of single? I do not want to be divorced, I was single straight after I was no longer married. The d-word cuts straight along the old scar and makes it bleed again. I noticed how I am trying to avoid saying this word when I have to speak of it, I choose carefully which words it will be. Most often I would say "I used to be married" or "before" my current life. Five years and still the ouch still there. How much longer, i wonder.
I had a hell week with guests. they came in and they brought a baby and as much as I was patient and tolerant, I had to make a lot of effort to be patient and tolerant. Enough said. I don't blame the poor todler, I blame his mindless parents. They had a hard time, everybody else had a hard time, what was the point again? After they left, I spent few days getting my house back, returning it to the look and feel of my own house. Then I advertised for a new lodger. there must be so many desperate people out there - I've got a new lodger within 12 hours of room advert went out. so, guess, all is good and I might even start paying off my credit card, long overdue and it bothering me, I never been in such a vulnerable position before. It feels unsettling.
We finally saw sping here. she was late this year. guess, it just proves the spring is a woman - always late. It was resonably warm, so warm actually, that I managed to cut my grass first time this year. My garden is now neat, my muscles are sore and my soul sings happy song. What a difference a ray of sun can make, it's amazing!