Oh, man, I am tired but really really want to write some stuff that is very important down, I am way too busy, I have to do laundry still, take a shower, then I can finally get to bed, get up too early to go to work, stay there most all morning and part of the afternoon, go bowling, go to my dads, find out what he is hinting about ("I can't tell you any details on the phone" "we'll talk tomorrow when you come to visit") I know it has somethong to do with the foster care, I met the family on Thursday and stayed the night Friday and got home around 10 at night tonight, even though it's technically Sunday now, at 2:04 in the morning, He also said who says when I said something about how in two weeks I'll be moving in with them.
I am going to go now and get my stuff done to sleep for a couple of hours so I'm not too tired at work. I'll try to write again tomorrow, though. I'm so scared! :(
Ok, I am not going to sleep at all, I'm too tired and it's too late to. Does that make any kind of sense? I have been in my usual adrenaline I get when I can't sleep mode, putting off the couple of things I needed to get done to start packing my two bedrooms and stuff, to deciding to play our super nintendo which I haven't in over a year and really miss, to discovering that the thing you put the games in and also every game but one under a few things in the floor were gone. Teri said she had no idea wherre they were, and the only other person to ask is my 10 yr. old cousin, Cilla, because she lived in my room when I lived at St. Als and rearranged quite a lot and I haven't even been down there or interested in finding out if it was missing til tonight. Damn, it figures, you choose one thing to do and you aren't able to. I'm very very very energetic right now, nighttime has always been the best time for me to do things like my homework, writing, reading, excercising, et cetera. And I'm still too overwhlmed about all that's going on, I mean, in a couple of weeks everything will not be the same at all. I'm feeling so weird about all of this, I want to start packing and get my new bedroom at my new house ready and all so maybe I can feel a little more comfortable and all, but also I want to wait untiltomorrow and igure out what dad has in mind. I hope that he is really strong and determined, because as soon as he started hinting about maybe stopping this I was relieved but I can't tell him that, or encourage him. Because if it's for wrong reaosns, then I could be helping for the worst, and if it doesn't work out, he'll know how I really feel and I guess it will be like n I told you so kind of thing, and even if I just can't be dissapointed, it's very important that he doesn't know I was silently cheering for him to really do whatever he ants for it, as long as it really is because he loves me and he cares about me. I have more of this attachment thing with Dad then with my mom, we're more affectionate and understanding towards eah other, yet we do still have our different opinions. I just wish that one day I can really think he actually does love me, there's more of a chance I'll think and believe that of him then my mom. I'm not all what he wants me to be, so he can brag about me to anyone, like all of his "perfect" friends, but I have been thinkinga lot in the last couple of days about what I'll be missing when I geta new family and home, school, et cetera, and some things are special waffle house trips with dad, other then on the days I'll be visiting him, I do that sometimes anyway on our weekly visits, but sometimes, more in the past then latley, we'll go out there just to get something to drink, but I've been so busy in the last couple of years with all of my activities, school, job, counseling, hospitalizations WoW, did I spell that right? it's a long word,... I'm so tired I am very hyper. Anyway, there are several others, like memories, mostly good that I'll miss at my real house, and I feel sad, because even if I wasn't leaving very soon eventually we'll have to leave anyway,. because of the divorce.
Let's see, my bedroom at the new house is pink, because of a prevoius resident there, she had a baby and wanted that room for her and wanted it painted pink, I'm sure it was a baby girl, and yesterday my sister went to her room and my mom and I watched nurse betty on tv, and she fell asleep, so I finished watching it, rewound it, turned the lights and tv off, covered mom up on the couch, and I went to my own new room to fall asleep, ni linens, either, because everyone was asleep and noone remembered, including myself, to help me find a sheet and stuff for it. Oh, well. I fell asleep with an annoying headache I've been gettinga lot recently, I think a stress headache.
We finally came back to my house, after spending the day first with mom, then with my sister when she cameback from work, then the first foster child mom had when she came to visit, she's real nice, too and getting married soon.
Teri is getting a car very very soon, it's funny, I was just thinking today that I'll probably beat her to it. I save my money better when I botherto and also I seem to kind of do that, like passing my temps test on the first day, it took Teri, who studied unlike myself two days. She was probably too nervous, it was more important to her at the time, I was really tired that week and couldn't have cared less. I just used logic and passed the sucker. At least I may finally get to explorers all of the time and stuff, if she bothers to help, mom (foster mom) is a nurse and works a lot of hours and already said she couldn't transport us that much, I can't trust my real mom to always do it, or depend on David. Speaking of, I miss him, a lot. I think that I'm growing too attached, but when I date, I really see that as like practice for marriage later on in life, and try to be friends with who I go out with, but it sometimes seems ike I don't know the other well enough, I mean, I have already slept with David, but like the first time, I didn't know him all that much, and now, after the third time, I do, because he seems to want a real relationship pout of it, not just sex, although we both think it's nice. Oh!!! Since I'm going into foster care, I won't have my counselors anymore, but the foster care agencys' and so since they're closing, my case manager talked to my mom about gettinga depo shot and she actually agreed! They just didn't think about talking about it with me, at first. Oh well. The only thing I'm wondering is, isn't it really my choice? I mean, you all should know from reading some of my entried tthat I'm hoping to end up pregnant, but will the birth control affect a baby if I'm having one? I mean, it's supposed to help keep you from becoming pregnant, but what will happen if I am and I have it? I can't remember when my last period was, so I'm waiting like this, first I counted the last two weeks, Friday to two Fridays ago, and since I'm sure that I didn't have the end of my period like right before that first friday I counted, the day we were in new york, this next frday if I haven't had my period by then, I may even wait until another day in the week, I'll take a pregnancy test, and whether it says positive or negative when we go to the doctors I will ask for a better test before they give me the shot, and I am pregnant, I will not get the shot yet, unless it's guarenteed safe for the baby, and start prenatal care.
Well, I want to update a few more entries, I finally got my laundry started, it's not that I'm lazy, I'm just a procastinater, maybe some people think, what's the difference? I put things off, but I get them done, meanwhile I do other things I don't exactly need to at the time. The never ending "later" syndrome, in other words.
I am going to go now and get my stuff done to sleep for a couple of hours so I'm not too tired at work. I'll try to write again tomorrow, though. I'm so scared! :(
Ok, I am not going to sleep at all, I'm too tired and it's too late to. Does that make any kind of sense? I have been in my usual adrenaline I get when I can't sleep mode, putting off the couple of things I needed to get done to start packing my two bedrooms and stuff, to deciding to play our super nintendo which I haven't in over a year and really miss, to discovering that the thing you put the games in and also every game but one under a few things in the floor were gone. Teri said she had no idea wherre they were, and the only other person to ask is my 10 yr. old cousin, Cilla, because she lived in my room when I lived at St. Als and rearranged quite a lot and I haven't even been down there or interested in finding out if it was missing til tonight. Damn, it figures, you choose one thing to do and you aren't able to. I'm very very very energetic right now, nighttime has always been the best time for me to do things like my homework, writing, reading, excercising, et cetera. And I'm still too overwhlmed about all that's going on, I mean, in a couple of weeks everything will not be the same at all. I'm feeling so weird about all of this, I want to start packing and get my new bedroom at my new house ready and all so maybe I can feel a little more comfortable and all, but also I want to wait untiltomorrow and igure out what dad has in mind. I hope that he is really strong and determined, because as soon as he started hinting about maybe stopping this I was relieved but I can't tell him that, or encourage him. Because if it's for wrong reaosns, then I could be helping for the worst, and if it doesn't work out, he'll know how I really feel and I guess it will be like n I told you so kind of thing, and even if I just can't be dissapointed, it's very important that he doesn't know I was silently cheering for him to really do whatever he ants for it, as long as it really is because he loves me and he cares about me. I have more of this attachment thing with Dad then with my mom, we're more affectionate and understanding towards eah other, yet we do still have our different opinions. I just wish that one day I can really think he actually does love me, there's more of a chance I'll think and believe that of him then my mom. I'm not all what he wants me to be, so he can brag about me to anyone, like all of his "perfect" friends, but I have been thinkinga lot in the last couple of days about what I'll be missing when I geta new family and home, school, et cetera, and some things are special waffle house trips with dad, other then on the days I'll be visiting him, I do that sometimes anyway on our weekly visits, but sometimes, more in the past then latley, we'll go out there just to get something to drink, but I've been so busy in the last couple of years with all of my activities, school, job, counseling, hospitalizations WoW, did I spell that right? it's a long word,... I'm so tired I am very hyper. Anyway, there are several others, like memories, mostly good that I'll miss at my real house, and I feel sad, because even if I wasn't leaving very soon eventually we'll have to leave anyway,. because of the divorce.
Let's see, my bedroom at the new house is pink, because of a prevoius resident there, she had a baby and wanted that room for her and wanted it painted pink, I'm sure it was a baby girl, and yesterday my sister went to her room and my mom and I watched nurse betty on tv, and she fell asleep, so I finished watching it, rewound it, turned the lights and tv off, covered mom up on the couch, and I went to my own new room to fall asleep, ni linens, either, because everyone was asleep and noone remembered, including myself, to help me find a sheet and stuff for it. Oh, well. I fell asleep with an annoying headache I've been gettinga lot recently, I think a stress headache.
We finally came back to my house, after spending the day first with mom, then with my sister when she cameback from work, then the first foster child mom had when she came to visit, she's real nice, too and getting married soon.
Teri is getting a car very very soon, it's funny, I was just thinking today that I'll probably beat her to it. I save my money better when I botherto and also I seem to kind of do that, like passing my temps test on the first day, it took Teri, who studied unlike myself two days. She was probably too nervous, it was more important to her at the time, I was really tired that week and couldn't have cared less. I just used logic and passed the sucker. At least I may finally get to explorers all of the time and stuff, if she bothers to help, mom (foster mom) is a nurse and works a lot of hours and already said she couldn't transport us that much, I can't trust my real mom to always do it, or depend on David. Speaking of, I miss him, a lot. I think that I'm growing too attached, but when I date, I really see that as like practice for marriage later on in life, and try to be friends with who I go out with, but it sometimes seems ike I don't know the other well enough, I mean, I have already slept with David, but like the first time, I didn't know him all that much, and now, after the third time, I do, because he seems to want a real relationship pout of it, not just sex, although we both think it's nice. Oh!!! Since I'm going into foster care, I won't have my counselors anymore, but the foster care agencys' and so since they're closing, my case manager talked to my mom about gettinga depo shot and she actually agreed! They just didn't think about talking about it with me, at first. Oh well. The only thing I'm wondering is, isn't it really my choice? I mean, you all should know from reading some of my entried tthat I'm hoping to end up pregnant, but will the birth control affect a baby if I'm having one? I mean, it's supposed to help keep you from becoming pregnant, but what will happen if I am and I have it? I can't remember when my last period was, so I'm waiting like this, first I counted the last two weeks, Friday to two Fridays ago, and since I'm sure that I didn't have the end of my period like right before that first friday I counted, the day we were in new york, this next frday if I haven't had my period by then, I may even wait until another day in the week, I'll take a pregnancy test, and whether it says positive or negative when we go to the doctors I will ask for a better test before they give me the shot, and I am pregnant, I will not get the shot yet, unless it's guarenteed safe for the baby, and start prenatal care.
Well, I want to update a few more entries, I finally got my laundry started, it's not that I'm lazy, I'm just a procastinater, maybe some people think, what's the difference? I put things off, but I get them done, meanwhile I do other things I don't exactly need to at the time. The never ending "later" syndrome, in other words.