Today mom woke me up at 7:50, ten minutes until I was supposed to be at drivers ed, she was yelling at me not in a get up already way, but in a you're in trouble kind of way, very mean esp. when I'm not even awake yet, and so I woke up very pissed, after being so tired last night that I litterally fell asleep on my hand written journal, and Tei had woken me up.
This was my second day driving in drivers ed, we pulled into a church parking lot and practiced manuverbility, and drovce a lot, I like to drive.
During our break, I had a can of diet coke and decided that was all the calories I cared for today, I decided I am going to control my eating, i think it'll help me get through the pain and deperation I've been feeling, so no matter what happens to em in this next couple of weeks, I will be ok, because I will be in control. And if I can keep it up, maybe someone will notice and do what they have been threatening forver, at st. al's they told me when they found the boxes of laxatives during the sudden room search that if I didn't STOP IT that they would havce to put me in an eating disorder hospital or something, maybe if my fears come true ZI can get out of the situation that way, since noone will listen or care about how I feel. I can't believe I opened up to thm people! I mean, normally I wouldn't say anything till it was too late, if at all, but this time I tried to tell them how bad I've =been feeling, and what do they do? say I'm wrong in feeling how I have been and also saying that it doesn't matter, I have to go there, and the counselors will be closing whether I do or not, so it doesn't matter to them. Damn Steve for calling Gracie anyway!!! Why??? She doesn't give a rats ass how I feel, and so neither will I anymore. Right now I'm really only feeling pain for giving in and eating that damn chicken, cookies, and the other pop. The two cans of moutain dew and other diet drink. I could never throw enough of it up, and so I was going to be running around packing and cleaning, as long as possible tonight but two other people here ruined that! My cousins stuff is in the dryer right now, mom took it over ater taking them out, so hers is right now actually, and my clothes are in the washer waiting to be dried and I also have another load to do tonight, and I need to get to sleep sometime because I'm alrweady tired and pissed and all, and I hate sleeping in the back of the car during drivers ed, at least I manage not to in the front when driving! I am still tired, though.
Dad took me to a rest. after he picked me up and I had a water with lemon, he is the onl family member who knows when I'm back into starvation mode, asked me to order something to eat, but I said I already have and I only wanted a drink but was trying o cut down on pop. You have to lie to save your eating disorder, at least to keep others from bugging you or feeling helpless or guilty. It's vital. He is the only one who knows when I have been at it for a while, like by how sluggish and weak I get or pale. his is exciting for me, I haven't been able to do this for a whuile, the only thing has been ating anyway and feeling bad and throwing up and using laxatives, it's been a long time since I've starved myself, those were the days.
One time in eighth grade I have been at it for a while, and in the mornings I went to school early just because and stayed in the library, that's how I met Ms. B, she's the adult who was in charge of us. This one morning she asked me if I was ok, sayinmg I looked really pale and tired. I got scared, and said oh, I'm fine, thanks. Later I felt like getting out of school, went to the nurses figuring if I looked that bad they'd let me, I went in, there were two, they were really nice to me, my temp. was a few degrees lower then normal but they suggested that was because I just went to get a drink of water, and they let me go home after I stepped on the scale for them, I don't think I knew anything about eating disorders then, I think i just thought of it as succeeding on a diet. I don't remmebr my weight, but I was so proud of it that when mom came to get me, we went to lunch and I allowed myself to eat a footlong, drink a root beer, and have one scoop of strawberry ice cream in a cone afterwards. That is very dangerous when you're trying to starve yourself, to reward yourself with food. It makes you keep allowing yourself the luxury to where it's too hard and takes too long for you to have enough self dicipline again.
When I worked at a burger king and dad came and picked me up, he told me I didn't look too good and we stayed for a little bit after work, he ordered a cheeseburger and french fires while I drank a water, he ate some of the fies, I kept picking at them, eating most of them myself, well, he was all of a sudden too full to eat the sandwich so guess who ate it thinking she would be able tp throw it up soon? The one who knows that no matter how long you throw up for, it's not all out of your body, you might as well keep eating. Another dangerous thing to do is something I also thought would protect my body from digesting food till I could privately get to a bathroom, is to keep on eating and drinking as much as you can, but that makes it more to have left in your body even when you're done. Another time was when I had a sleepover for my 13th birthday, I also had a hotel party but I had gotten out of a hospital exactly a month before, for trying to kill myself around Febuary 13th, and so, since I was turning 13 on Friday March 13 I wanted a scary sleepover to start off my teenage years. I was well into starving myself so I drank water and had none of the pop or snacks, and when mom took me and two other people that I met at the hospital and invited, to wendys to eat, I didn't want anything and mom told me that if I didn't eat she would drive everyone home, so I ate exactly a single chicken nugget from the 5 and I felt worse then ever, that's one time I didn't start eating again right away, I think because it was forced and not a reward from myself.
I'm scared of the situations I put myself into so much that I will do anything to have some control, and I want to starve. I messed up really bad today and so I have decided to punish myself, and now I feel really good and encouraged again. I will throw away dinner. So I had a can of pop, then water and 2 lemon slices, theywere big slices, but lemon and watre is a safe thing to have, esp. since I didn't eat the lemons, but squeeezed the juice into the water, and later after a 3 hour nap, mom had two sandwiches for me, a turnover and a diet pop so I warmed the sandwich up, had oit ready, looked at it for about 15 minutes then was planning on taking 1 bite, then waiting another 15 minutes, to take another bite, et cetera, to prove I could sit in front of it without gobbling it down, and I had three drinks of the diet coke, little sips, and before the first 15 minutes I had to go out with Delores, so I ended up not eating it at all, feeling better about that then my original plan, then I put it in the fridge. I ate later, so now I'm thrwoing the stuff away so I won't eat it like tomorrow or anything, and that's my punishment so that I will do better tomorrow, it's a good one, since it will help me not eat tomorrow by not being there, and I feel like I didn't mess up at all today that way!
I went to a place with delores, had cheese chicken, with some sauce on it, two cookies, and three dirnks, and as soon as I got home I threw it up and now will be staying up as long as I can to make up for what's left, and I will start over tomorrow, I felt so horrible and digusting for giving in, when I've done such a wonderful job all day!
Hey, woah, during my nap, I had this extremely weird dream, it had something to do with my Grandma in it, every room I walked in, she had these humungus strips of bacon slow rosting, and just for me, too!When I went into the kitchen, with a bunch of steel and stuff, that's where Grandma was, and I told her, yum, smells good while thinking and fearing that I'd gain weight bu smelling it, and she asked me to try it, since she's never slow rosted them, like hotdogs, before, and I started spinning and I really felt faint in my dream but I kept myself walking, as hard as it was, just like when i'm high and not able to say much, I only really notice it in my eye sand the way I walk and talk as little as I do, I try not to bcause I hate the loss of control I feel, and the last time it happened I was walking around in a daze, barely able to walk straight but concentrating very hard on it, like I did in my dream today. Then I was somewhere else, I guess in another dream and the poeple let me on, either a boat or train, and I tried to get off, and they didn't listen until I screamed why, I said I think i dropped a lit cigg. on the other side! when we got there, me and the panicked policelady, by ar somehow, we couldn't even find the cigg. butt. I was scared. Really scared, so my dreams were based on fear, I had a dream one night a long time ago, I was ina grocery store seperated form dad and teri and I kept loading my cart with cookies and stuff, I think either I was severely bulimic or starving myself at that time, that's how I get when my mind seems to only be focused on food and my control I do or don't have over it. When I woke up from both of those food dreams, I felt sick like I really did eat that stuf and gained weight in my sleep, my stomach actually seems full and content then, instead of busy growling and giving me hunger pains like before I fall alsee. I like being hungry much more then not, it means I haven't eaten.
I lied to Grandma, she actually came out and asked me to eat when we stopped at her house first, I took a bite and said the thong was too dry, so i got to throw it away. She must have known by my poile rufusla t eat at first that something was up, maybe. Another excuse I often use, is my period. That's also one of the easier times for me to start starving myself, because I don't feel like eating anyway, I feel fatter then ever, and bloated anyhow. Medicine doesn't keep me from bloating, like mydol.
Other then my depression due to the foster family situation, my new boyfriend David hasn't called me that much, until last night, we didn't hear him knocking so he called me on his cell phone and I let him in, he said he wanted to talk. I thougt he wanted to break up with me, but he came to talk as to have a conversation with me, tell me about something, he was in an accident, and it hurt a lot, because I was thinking that he was just not calling, and if he hadn't lived through it, I would never have known or heard about it, and I would've gone on thinking he just didn't like me anymore. I am so insecure. He's ok, thank God, it wasn't his fault, a truck ran over his car and he only has scratches and bruises, he closed his eyes so he didn't have glass in them, and he always wears his seatbelt, but he said, with this smile on his fac, rmemebering it that it was like a dream, like right out of a movie, and he didn't go to a hospital, because "some 911 came" (he's part russian and talks like that, I love that and everything else about him) and checked him out and he didn't have toime to, but went to the doctors right after he left our house. I'm going to ask tomorrow night if anyway at explorers responded to that call, it was monday morning around either 9 or 11, I don't know how I remember that, but he did say that the people that came were from the city that I'm an explorer at, so I figure that the medics responded, he signed a refusal form to go to the hospital and well, I was going to try to get him to go with me tomorrow night, anyway, since he's off work. He even told me that he'll come up, most likely on thursday, to help me pack.
I have a busy day tomorrow, drivers ed, m@p, maybe going out somewhere with this lady that was once engaged to my uncle, we've been getting kind of close and she may help get me out of the foster care, because she thinks I should live with Dad too, but then again, Ms. H wrote and said that if I could go to another county I could maybe stay with her daughter, L, or I can call this other lady that's ms. H's friend and ask her if she knows a family from church that lives in my county that could maybe take me in, theres hope, at least. Anyway, I just called David, woke him up, made him laugh about some of the fnny things I do in drivers ed, I got touched when he said to please be careful, and also asked him to go to explorers with me, he's going to spend most of his day off looking for another car, but he will call me at 5 and if he will go with me we'll either pick him up sometime between then and 5:30 or if he has a car, he can maybe take me hisself, although he may not feel like it. I was by myself with him the other night and before he left I gave him a light kiss on the side of his lips because they were swollen, and I had to do it light because there was an abrasion there, but then he gave me a kiss, a peck on the lips, and then I leaned over and gave him another kiss the same way, but his eyes, we weren't loud bexause mom was in the other room, but they were like apologetic, and that's because he couldn't kiss me like we both wanted, so I ran my tongue around his cut. Then I gently hugged him, he had to make his doctors appointment. I like him so much, he's very special to me, already. I'm so attached to him, and comfortable with him, I almost want to tell him I love him, I want to do everything with him, I think of him often, and yet if I say I love you to him, well, I want to keep building our friendship and trust first. So it's more like I care about you, which we say with action, not words. Hugs, laughter, kisses, and yes, sex, it's something we enjoy, and do together, but little things, like how we look at each other then, and afterward, we lay together and just talk and touch a little, ok, we only had sex thhree times already, but it helps our bond, too. And his kisses, are great. I never could kiss until Brian taught me once, yet we didn't kiss other then that one time, since we weren't exactly going out, so I'm glad I know how to, want to and enjoy it with David. I'm wearing a pair of jeans tomorrow until I put my uniform for explorers on, they are so very tight, but before I quit eating and when I did today, I threw as nuch up as I could I couldn't even get these on, I accidently bought them, putting the jeans I wanted instead back, and am prud that they fit now, they should feel a tiny bit looser in a day or two, if I don't eat like a damn pig again.
I have to go, then eventually get to sleep, I have a busy wonderfully planned day tomorrow. I wish I had more time to write, but I want to try to look at my email while I wait for my clothes.
This was my second day driving in drivers ed, we pulled into a church parking lot and practiced manuverbility, and drovce a lot, I like to drive.
During our break, I had a can of diet coke and decided that was all the calories I cared for today, I decided I am going to control my eating, i think it'll help me get through the pain and deperation I've been feeling, so no matter what happens to em in this next couple of weeks, I will be ok, because I will be in control. And if I can keep it up, maybe someone will notice and do what they have been threatening forver, at st. al's they told me when they found the boxes of laxatives during the sudden room search that if I didn't STOP IT that they would havce to put me in an eating disorder hospital or something, maybe if my fears come true ZI can get out of the situation that way, since noone will listen or care about how I feel. I can't believe I opened up to thm people! I mean, normally I wouldn't say anything till it was too late, if at all, but this time I tried to tell them how bad I've =been feeling, and what do they do? say I'm wrong in feeling how I have been and also saying that it doesn't matter, I have to go there, and the counselors will be closing whether I do or not, so it doesn't matter to them. Damn Steve for calling Gracie anyway!!! Why??? She doesn't give a rats ass how I feel, and so neither will I anymore. Right now I'm really only feeling pain for giving in and eating that damn chicken, cookies, and the other pop. The two cans of moutain dew and other diet drink. I could never throw enough of it up, and so I was going to be running around packing and cleaning, as long as possible tonight but two other people here ruined that! My cousins stuff is in the dryer right now, mom took it over ater taking them out, so hers is right now actually, and my clothes are in the washer waiting to be dried and I also have another load to do tonight, and I need to get to sleep sometime because I'm alrweady tired and pissed and all, and I hate sleeping in the back of the car during drivers ed, at least I manage not to in the front when driving! I am still tired, though.
Dad took me to a rest. after he picked me up and I had a water with lemon, he is the onl family member who knows when I'm back into starvation mode, asked me to order something to eat, but I said I already have and I only wanted a drink but was trying o cut down on pop. You have to lie to save your eating disorder, at least to keep others from bugging you or feeling helpless or guilty. It's vital. He is the only one who knows when I have been at it for a while, like by how sluggish and weak I get or pale. his is exciting for me, I haven't been able to do this for a whuile, the only thing has been ating anyway and feeling bad and throwing up and using laxatives, it's been a long time since I've starved myself, those were the days.
One time in eighth grade I have been at it for a while, and in the mornings I went to school early just because and stayed in the library, that's how I met Ms. B, she's the adult who was in charge of us. This one morning she asked me if I was ok, sayinmg I looked really pale and tired. I got scared, and said oh, I'm fine, thanks. Later I felt like getting out of school, went to the nurses figuring if I looked that bad they'd let me, I went in, there were two, they were really nice to me, my temp. was a few degrees lower then normal but they suggested that was because I just went to get a drink of water, and they let me go home after I stepped on the scale for them, I don't think I knew anything about eating disorders then, I think i just thought of it as succeeding on a diet. I don't remmebr my weight, but I was so proud of it that when mom came to get me, we went to lunch and I allowed myself to eat a footlong, drink a root beer, and have one scoop of strawberry ice cream in a cone afterwards. That is very dangerous when you're trying to starve yourself, to reward yourself with food. It makes you keep allowing yourself the luxury to where it's too hard and takes too long for you to have enough self dicipline again.
When I worked at a burger king and dad came and picked me up, he told me I didn't look too good and we stayed for a little bit after work, he ordered a cheeseburger and french fires while I drank a water, he ate some of the fies, I kept picking at them, eating most of them myself, well, he was all of a sudden too full to eat the sandwich so guess who ate it thinking she would be able tp throw it up soon? The one who knows that no matter how long you throw up for, it's not all out of your body, you might as well keep eating. Another dangerous thing to do is something I also thought would protect my body from digesting food till I could privately get to a bathroom, is to keep on eating and drinking as much as you can, but that makes it more to have left in your body even when you're done. Another time was when I had a sleepover for my 13th birthday, I also had a hotel party but I had gotten out of a hospital exactly a month before, for trying to kill myself around Febuary 13th, and so, since I was turning 13 on Friday March 13 I wanted a scary sleepover to start off my teenage years. I was well into starving myself so I drank water and had none of the pop or snacks, and when mom took me and two other people that I met at the hospital and invited, to wendys to eat, I didn't want anything and mom told me that if I didn't eat she would drive everyone home, so I ate exactly a single chicken nugget from the 5 and I felt worse then ever, that's one time I didn't start eating again right away, I think because it was forced and not a reward from myself.
I'm scared of the situations I put myself into so much that I will do anything to have some control, and I want to starve. I messed up really bad today and so I have decided to punish myself, and now I feel really good and encouraged again. I will throw away dinner. So I had a can of pop, then water and 2 lemon slices, theywere big slices, but lemon and watre is a safe thing to have, esp. since I didn't eat the lemons, but squeeezed the juice into the water, and later after a 3 hour nap, mom had two sandwiches for me, a turnover and a diet pop so I warmed the sandwich up, had oit ready, looked at it for about 15 minutes then was planning on taking 1 bite, then waiting another 15 minutes, to take another bite, et cetera, to prove I could sit in front of it without gobbling it down, and I had three drinks of the diet coke, little sips, and before the first 15 minutes I had to go out with Delores, so I ended up not eating it at all, feeling better about that then my original plan, then I put it in the fridge. I ate later, so now I'm thrwoing the stuff away so I won't eat it like tomorrow or anything, and that's my punishment so that I will do better tomorrow, it's a good one, since it will help me not eat tomorrow by not being there, and I feel like I didn't mess up at all today that way!
I went to a place with delores, had cheese chicken, with some sauce on it, two cookies, and three dirnks, and as soon as I got home I threw it up and now will be staying up as long as I can to make up for what's left, and I will start over tomorrow, I felt so horrible and digusting for giving in, when I've done such a wonderful job all day!
Hey, woah, during my nap, I had this extremely weird dream, it had something to do with my Grandma in it, every room I walked in, she had these humungus strips of bacon slow rosting, and just for me, too!When I went into the kitchen, with a bunch of steel and stuff, that's where Grandma was, and I told her, yum, smells good while thinking and fearing that I'd gain weight bu smelling it, and she asked me to try it, since she's never slow rosted them, like hotdogs, before, and I started spinning and I really felt faint in my dream but I kept myself walking, as hard as it was, just like when i'm high and not able to say much, I only really notice it in my eye sand the way I walk and talk as little as I do, I try not to bcause I hate the loss of control I feel, and the last time it happened I was walking around in a daze, barely able to walk straight but concentrating very hard on it, like I did in my dream today. Then I was somewhere else, I guess in another dream and the poeple let me on, either a boat or train, and I tried to get off, and they didn't listen until I screamed why, I said I think i dropped a lit cigg. on the other side! when we got there, me and the panicked policelady, by ar somehow, we couldn't even find the cigg. butt. I was scared. Really scared, so my dreams were based on fear, I had a dream one night a long time ago, I was ina grocery store seperated form dad and teri and I kept loading my cart with cookies and stuff, I think either I was severely bulimic or starving myself at that time, that's how I get when my mind seems to only be focused on food and my control I do or don't have over it. When I woke up from both of those food dreams, I felt sick like I really did eat that stuf and gained weight in my sleep, my stomach actually seems full and content then, instead of busy growling and giving me hunger pains like before I fall alsee. I like being hungry much more then not, it means I haven't eaten.
I lied to Grandma, she actually came out and asked me to eat when we stopped at her house first, I took a bite and said the thong was too dry, so i got to throw it away. She must have known by my poile rufusla t eat at first that something was up, maybe. Another excuse I often use, is my period. That's also one of the easier times for me to start starving myself, because I don't feel like eating anyway, I feel fatter then ever, and bloated anyhow. Medicine doesn't keep me from bloating, like mydol.
Other then my depression due to the foster family situation, my new boyfriend David hasn't called me that much, until last night, we didn't hear him knocking so he called me on his cell phone and I let him in, he said he wanted to talk. I thougt he wanted to break up with me, but he came to talk as to have a conversation with me, tell me about something, he was in an accident, and it hurt a lot, because I was thinking that he was just not calling, and if he hadn't lived through it, I would never have known or heard about it, and I would've gone on thinking he just didn't like me anymore. I am so insecure. He's ok, thank God, it wasn't his fault, a truck ran over his car and he only has scratches and bruises, he closed his eyes so he didn't have glass in them, and he always wears his seatbelt, but he said, with this smile on his fac, rmemebering it that it was like a dream, like right out of a movie, and he didn't go to a hospital, because "some 911 came" (he's part russian and talks like that, I love that and everything else about him) and checked him out and he didn't have toime to, but went to the doctors right after he left our house. I'm going to ask tomorrow night if anyway at explorers responded to that call, it was monday morning around either 9 or 11, I don't know how I remember that, but he did say that the people that came were from the city that I'm an explorer at, so I figure that the medics responded, he signed a refusal form to go to the hospital and well, I was going to try to get him to go with me tomorrow night, anyway, since he's off work. He even told me that he'll come up, most likely on thursday, to help me pack.
I have a busy day tomorrow, drivers ed, m@p, maybe going out somewhere with this lady that was once engaged to my uncle, we've been getting kind of close and she may help get me out of the foster care, because she thinks I should live with Dad too, but then again, Ms. H wrote and said that if I could go to another county I could maybe stay with her daughter, L, or I can call this other lady that's ms. H's friend and ask her if she knows a family from church that lives in my county that could maybe take me in, theres hope, at least. Anyway, I just called David, woke him up, made him laugh about some of the fnny things I do in drivers ed, I got touched when he said to please be careful, and also asked him to go to explorers with me, he's going to spend most of his day off looking for another car, but he will call me at 5 and if he will go with me we'll either pick him up sometime between then and 5:30 or if he has a car, he can maybe take me hisself, although he may not feel like it. I was by myself with him the other night and before he left I gave him a light kiss on the side of his lips because they were swollen, and I had to do it light because there was an abrasion there, but then he gave me a kiss, a peck on the lips, and then I leaned over and gave him another kiss the same way, but his eyes, we weren't loud bexause mom was in the other room, but they were like apologetic, and that's because he couldn't kiss me like we both wanted, so I ran my tongue around his cut. Then I gently hugged him, he had to make his doctors appointment. I like him so much, he's very special to me, already. I'm so attached to him, and comfortable with him, I almost want to tell him I love him, I want to do everything with him, I think of him often, and yet if I say I love you to him, well, I want to keep building our friendship and trust first. So it's more like I care about you, which we say with action, not words. Hugs, laughter, kisses, and yes, sex, it's something we enjoy, and do together, but little things, like how we look at each other then, and afterward, we lay together and just talk and touch a little, ok, we only had sex thhree times already, but it helps our bond, too. And his kisses, are great. I never could kiss until Brian taught me once, yet we didn't kiss other then that one time, since we weren't exactly going out, so I'm glad I know how to, want to and enjoy it with David. I'm wearing a pair of jeans tomorrow until I put my uniform for explorers on, they are so very tight, but before I quit eating and when I did today, I threw as nuch up as I could I couldn't even get these on, I accidently bought them, putting the jeans I wanted instead back, and am prud that they fit now, they should feel a tiny bit looser in a day or two, if I don't eat like a damn pig again.
I have to go, then eventually get to sleep, I have a busy wonderfully planned day tomorrow. I wish I had more time to write, but I want to try to look at my email while I wait for my clothes.