I have the most selfish immature mother. I am right in not believing her lies and her tears, I wish that I was never born to her, maybe I would have had an aswesome life. Like, what I want now, the very simple and unrealistic things, I am so upset at something so stupid that of course my first thought was to self distruct, it's too late for me to throw my lunch up right now, so I have to deal with that when David and I finally go out, if he calls. I wonder why he hasn't, yet, it's after 3, and he promised! :*(
So I am smoking my menthols right now, 5 in a row, I don't care,, it probably won't hurt too much, but it's something. Maybe I'll eat dinner and chug it, or take the laxatives I saved while in the middle of packing. They are hard to take, the chocalte coated ones, as soon as I put any towards my mouth I feel sick, maybe that will help me throw up better. I'm on my second newport.when I throw up it'll probably hurt my throat more, who knows. Well, I'll be back, gotta check some things out.
Ok, David hasn't called, I'm tired of sepending on him, I'm just upset still, really. I found out that the lady in charge of the foster care thing she is on vacation, so now I'm moving next week, maybe. I want outof here, mom is worse then ever and I want away from her. I can't keep on crying over this stuff, I need to start focusing on ME. Of course, that means that as long as I'm able to I will be trying to keep food out of my body, get smaller and smaller until I feel like I have dissapeared, I wish more then ever that I have stuck with my latest, uh, "diet", because then tomorrow when we have our photo shoot for m@p I can look good. I guess feel like I do, really, because no matter how much weight I lose, I can always stand to losemore, and I thought I looked good when I took 120 laes and the next day during a bthroom run I stood in front of the mirror, finally had enough energy to dress, and put on an outfit too small for me, two days later when i went to the hospital just to amke sure that nothing serious has happened really, and then I couldn't fit in it anymore, I bet I wouldn't have, after i got home and tried them on, they were too tight, I lost 4 pounds overnight and when I got home I as about 1 pound more or less then when I started. I amn going to take my money let from my paycheck right now and go to a storw, buy some good laxes, look around and try some water pills maybe, and then I'll feel better. I don't care, even if Grandma finds out when I go there if David doesn't call any time soon, I will feel so much better. I'll write a little later. I'm dso deporessed, I need to move and hurry so maybe I can start feeling a little better!!! :(
********************************************************************************
I feel a little better already, I think the long very hot walk helped out, it got a little windy on my way home and the humidity has been terrible, but I found some pills from american fare, so there was more for less, instead of buying expensive maybe 60 tablets for 10.00 correctol, I bought 100 for about 5.00. I have already swallowed them three times, 10 each, 70 left to go.The bad thing is, i have that photo shoot tomorrow, but I think it'll be ok, they don't normally work until I try to sleep, I feel like I'm sleeping all night in this light sleep and then I wake up a million times during the night for my bathroom runs, tomorrow I will get up from being tired of just laying down and not being able to sleep, and so I'll make it to school on time, then even if I have to run to the bathroom a lot there, I don't care. I will still take the photo shoot with them, even if it gets to almost where I need a diaper, and then I will also be there for the first part, where this guy there will have us all sit in a group in a corcle to talk about things that personally bother us. I may or may not mention that some of my home problems, which is why I'm in the program and everyone else is to, mostly from having a lot of home problems, but I might tell them about how I'm going through a lot of changes, how I always have.
I forgot to say why my mom was acting like such a baby, she was taking a nap, which she would do all of the time when she actually bothers to stay home and not go out gambling, which of course is where she is right now, and I asked her nicely, mom, will you please turn the computer on for me? She said yes. A minute later I asked if she would again, then a third time, the fourth time she just said, still going back to sleep, trist me, I am awake, snore,... I've had it! I yelled mom you SAID you would turn it on, please turn it ON!!! She turned obver, to show me that she wasn't going to do what she said she would and it took em calling Grandma and putting her on the phone with her to make mom roll over, roll her eyes, say in a babyish tone, I'm turning it on now because I'm going to make my coffee and then go out with my brother, then she farted, gave me a sickening smile, turned it on and under my breath I said big fat baby, bitch. She said later, well, I'm going out, with that stupid smile again. I said that surprises me how? She said well, you are going out with david, anyway, if he ever calls you. That snotty bitchy immature smile again. He hasn't called me, and I know that he was on the phone once when I called, because the voicemail came on right away. The last time that this happened, where he didn't call me all day, he had a car accident! He could have been killed, I know that he may be ok, but I'm fat and I think that he is starting to really get grossed out by me. I'm so upset. I'm takingall of the laxatives tonight, then it won't matter about David, my bad looks for the photo shoot, mom, anything. It'll all be ok. Let's just hope I won't have to go to the hospital, that I can aty least try to make the photo shoot. Hospitals are SUCH inconviences, I won't feel pity for a lot of patients that hoose not to go when I'm a medic. If I ever get better, one of the ff/medics told me once that if I didn't stop, the one that caught me throwing up once, that I couldn't be an explorer anymore. I def. want to be an explorer for as long as I can. So I can still be a medic and firefighter, just be more in control about how I do things and what and when. Marya who's the main cahracter and author of the memoir, Wasted,s he made a good point about how disordered eaters see control in the eds. I'll have to look that part up.
Ok, I only managed to take the thirty laxes before feeling pretty nauseas, that's the worst part, you'd think that I'd have all the more effects when you only take the right amount you're supposed to when you use it for the right reason, but I've only gone to the restroom twicre and I've been having to worry more about NOT throwing up, although I have the WORST nausea s that I can keep them in me, the first time I abused laxes, took way too many, I threw up in the cup of milk I took with it to hurry it up. Right now I'm holdng my mouth closed to keep from getting sick and pretending that maybe I have a stomach virus, I have the right symptoms but if someone was smart, like my mom and knows I abuse laxatives she'd know by now that that is what it is. See,m it's way too easy for me to do what I do! Noone notices or cares, anyway!
So I am smoking my menthols right now, 5 in a row, I don't care,, it probably won't hurt too much, but it's something. Maybe I'll eat dinner and chug it, or take the laxatives I saved while in the middle of packing. They are hard to take, the chocalte coated ones, as soon as I put any towards my mouth I feel sick, maybe that will help me throw up better. I'm on my second newport.when I throw up it'll probably hurt my throat more, who knows. Well, I'll be back, gotta check some things out.
Ok, David hasn't called, I'm tired of sepending on him, I'm just upset still, really. I found out that the lady in charge of the foster care thing she is on vacation, so now I'm moving next week, maybe. I want outof here, mom is worse then ever and I want away from her. I can't keep on crying over this stuff, I need to start focusing on ME. Of course, that means that as long as I'm able to I will be trying to keep food out of my body, get smaller and smaller until I feel like I have dissapeared, I wish more then ever that I have stuck with my latest, uh, "diet", because then tomorrow when we have our photo shoot for m@p I can look good. I guess feel like I do, really, because no matter how much weight I lose, I can always stand to losemore, and I thought I looked good when I took 120 laes and the next day during a bthroom run I stood in front of the mirror, finally had enough energy to dress, and put on an outfit too small for me, two days later when i went to the hospital just to amke sure that nothing serious has happened really, and then I couldn't fit in it anymore, I bet I wouldn't have, after i got home and tried them on, they were too tight, I lost 4 pounds overnight and when I got home I as about 1 pound more or less then when I started. I amn going to take my money let from my paycheck right now and go to a storw, buy some good laxes, look around and try some water pills maybe, and then I'll feel better. I don't care, even if Grandma finds out when I go there if David doesn't call any time soon, I will feel so much better. I'll write a little later. I'm dso deporessed, I need to move and hurry so maybe I can start feeling a little better!!! :(
********************************************************************************
I feel a little better already, I think the long very hot walk helped out, it got a little windy on my way home and the humidity has been terrible, but I found some pills from american fare, so there was more for less, instead of buying expensive maybe 60 tablets for 10.00 correctol, I bought 100 for about 5.00. I have already swallowed them three times, 10 each, 70 left to go.The bad thing is, i have that photo shoot tomorrow, but I think it'll be ok, they don't normally work until I try to sleep, I feel like I'm sleeping all night in this light sleep and then I wake up a million times during the night for my bathroom runs, tomorrow I will get up from being tired of just laying down and not being able to sleep, and so I'll make it to school on time, then even if I have to run to the bathroom a lot there, I don't care. I will still take the photo shoot with them, even if it gets to almost where I need a diaper, and then I will also be there for the first part, where this guy there will have us all sit in a group in a corcle to talk about things that personally bother us. I may or may not mention that some of my home problems, which is why I'm in the program and everyone else is to, mostly from having a lot of home problems, but I might tell them about how I'm going through a lot of changes, how I always have.
I forgot to say why my mom was acting like such a baby, she was taking a nap, which she would do all of the time when she actually bothers to stay home and not go out gambling, which of course is where she is right now, and I asked her nicely, mom, will you please turn the computer on for me? She said yes. A minute later I asked if she would again, then a third time, the fourth time she just said, still going back to sleep, trist me, I am awake, snore,... I've had it! I yelled mom you SAID you would turn it on, please turn it ON!!! She turned obver, to show me that she wasn't going to do what she said she would and it took em calling Grandma and putting her on the phone with her to make mom roll over, roll her eyes, say in a babyish tone, I'm turning it on now because I'm going to make my coffee and then go out with my brother, then she farted, gave me a sickening smile, turned it on and under my breath I said big fat baby, bitch. She said later, well, I'm going out, with that stupid smile again. I said that surprises me how? She said well, you are going out with david, anyway, if he ever calls you. That snotty bitchy immature smile again. He hasn't called me, and I know that he was on the phone once when I called, because the voicemail came on right away. The last time that this happened, where he didn't call me all day, he had a car accident! He could have been killed, I know that he may be ok, but I'm fat and I think that he is starting to really get grossed out by me. I'm so upset. I'm takingall of the laxatives tonight, then it won't matter about David, my bad looks for the photo shoot, mom, anything. It'll all be ok. Let's just hope I won't have to go to the hospital, that I can aty least try to make the photo shoot. Hospitals are SUCH inconviences, I won't feel pity for a lot of patients that hoose not to go when I'm a medic. If I ever get better, one of the ff/medics told me once that if I didn't stop, the one that caught me throwing up once, that I couldn't be an explorer anymore. I def. want to be an explorer for as long as I can. So I can still be a medic and firefighter, just be more in control about how I do things and what and when. Marya who's the main cahracter and author of the memoir, Wasted,s he made a good point about how disordered eaters see control in the eds. I'll have to look that part up.
Ok, I only managed to take the thirty laxes before feeling pretty nauseas, that's the worst part, you'd think that I'd have all the more effects when you only take the right amount you're supposed to when you use it for the right reason, but I've only gone to the restroom twicre and I've been having to worry more about NOT throwing up, although I have the WORST nausea s that I can keep them in me, the first time I abused laxes, took way too many, I threw up in the cup of milk I took with it to hurry it up. Right now I'm holdng my mouth closed to keep from getting sick and pretending that maybe I have a stomach virus, I have the right symptoms but if someone was smart, like my mom and knows I abuse laxatives she'd know by now that that is what it is. See,m it's way too easy for me to do what I do! Noone notices or cares, anyway!