I stayed the night at my Dad's last night, and today came home, a little too late to go out with my counselor but I called her cell phone and apologized for missing her, I was very tired and I coldn't get and stay up today, kept falling back alseep. Then I called and talked to Gracie, my case manager and then made an appointment, as long as I have a note from my mom saying things like any test needed can be done, Gracie can take me tothe doctors without her. I talked to mom, found out that this friday at 9 when I go she'll be off, but instead of going with us she'd rather sleep in. I don't want her to go, anyway. I don't mind Gracie going, and for kicks, even though I don't have any particular reason to, I want to water load. I think that I want to do this because then when I step on the scale, which I always try but fail to escape, and the number is the same as now or even higher, even lower at this point, it won't matter if it's 1 or 2 pounds lighter, it's too much anyway. I want to try it maybe so that it'll give me an excuse to be so fat. I'm weird, huh.
I am getting birth control on thursday, and then Friday getting a referral. Maybe I'll go to the hospital. I'm tired of this but it'll keep going for a while. At least ishould probably get to see a dietician if anything. It won't help if mom doesn't ever buy any groceries, healthy or not. It doesn't help if moms idea of giving us dinner every night while she gambles our child support money away is to give us 5 dollars and tell is to walk to maybe wendys for example for dinner. The only safe food I could have there without needing to throw it up is a plain garden salad, no anything on it.
I'm going grocery shopping by myself as soon as I have a little money, I think that I'll buy things that will fill me up and I won't have to throw up, I will, anyway, but I won't feel as bad after eating them if I can't make it to the bathroom right away.
I'll never forget some things that had to do with eating disorders before I got mine. A news report called dying to be thin, showing a little girl and things like how when the family eats dinner, they make her sit with them, whether she eats or not, so it won't ruin their meal, how the (9?) year old and a friend forom the hospial competed, stuff like that.
I remember reading an article in a magazine once while sitting in the car since it was raining really bad and muddy, and my mom was at an oldies fest, it said how this annorexic teen walked around a mall, and she could tell who was annorexic or not. I believe that others are annorexic, like you can't tell, though. I mean, not every annoretic is emcitated and bony looking, stuff like that. I think the people who notice when you lose more weight the most is people that knew what you looked like before you lost all that way. Myself, whenever I am starving, which I call just plain old food resytriction, but I really don't eat exactly, just drink water,. alow myself a couple of pretzels for the day, stuff like that. Anyway, you can tell when I haven't eaten for about 5 days at least. I start walking slower, having very little energy, I get really pale, my cheeks get rosy and the rest looks just plain white, the longer it goes on I look more grayish, I love when I'm pale and rosy and can keep track of the progress I'm making easier, like when clothes feel looser and I start wearing shirts more that I can only wear then, that show my belly, which I hate, except can tolerate then. In a day or two my face will look different if I don't GIVE IN. I remember how sick I looked and how I felt when I went up to this school to see my former teacher/now great friend and met this cool astranaut. I ran home from school, ran to where I worked, found out that if I tried to cash my check that I went to pick up, it'd bounce, that ruined my idea to take a camera for my first pic. of that teacher, saw a girl there that is real nice and I worked with, she bought a meal that had two cheeseburgewrs in it, fries and a drink, I got a free diet drink, and when one of those sandwiches were offered to me, I decided to eat for the first time in three days by then, and ate it, thanked her while shovveling it in my mouth starvinly, and then ran home, had to throw up yet felt really bad, because the girl could've eaten it, and then walked to the place where I met with them, in the pictures some of the teachers took there and later gave me a copy of, one with me the ast. and teacher, I think now that I looked good, pale and thin, GREAT.
I like looking thinner so much, esp. when I see people that remember me as fatter, then when they see me again. I may get to see that teacher again this wednesday, if I can arrange a time, I am supposed to have M@P from 12:30-5:30, then explorers 6-9, but I may skip something. I don't want her to think I was just talking shit when I told her that i was going to get a referral to get help with the ed. That I don't look like it's getting worse. When you look in the mirrior,what do you see? I see myself like a good sized person see's themselves in the reflection of a car door. Strecthed, both ways. Esp. sideways.
So I haven't found out yet when I'm moving, nervous about birth control, scared of seeing the weight on the medical scale, every time I step on it I am depressed that day, I mean, I used to love getting out of school to go to the doctors and then go to eat afterwards, esp when I get out of school longer that way.
I'm going to update soon, I'm weak today and depressed, et cetera. I ate a sub earlier adn threw it up, I feel like I did up till about 5, great and have not eaten kind of good.
I am getting birth control on thursday, and then Friday getting a referral. Maybe I'll go to the hospital. I'm tired of this but it'll keep going for a while. At least ishould probably get to see a dietician if anything. It won't help if mom doesn't ever buy any groceries, healthy or not. It doesn't help if moms idea of giving us dinner every night while she gambles our child support money away is to give us 5 dollars and tell is to walk to maybe wendys for example for dinner. The only safe food I could have there without needing to throw it up is a plain garden salad, no anything on it.
I'm going grocery shopping by myself as soon as I have a little money, I think that I'll buy things that will fill me up and I won't have to throw up, I will, anyway, but I won't feel as bad after eating them if I can't make it to the bathroom right away.
I'll never forget some things that had to do with eating disorders before I got mine. A news report called dying to be thin, showing a little girl and things like how when the family eats dinner, they make her sit with them, whether she eats or not, so it won't ruin their meal, how the (9?) year old and a friend forom the hospial competed, stuff like that.
I remember reading an article in a magazine once while sitting in the car since it was raining really bad and muddy, and my mom was at an oldies fest, it said how this annorexic teen walked around a mall, and she could tell who was annorexic or not. I believe that others are annorexic, like you can't tell, though. I mean, not every annoretic is emcitated and bony looking, stuff like that. I think the people who notice when you lose more weight the most is people that knew what you looked like before you lost all that way. Myself, whenever I am starving, which I call just plain old food resytriction, but I really don't eat exactly, just drink water,. alow myself a couple of pretzels for the day, stuff like that. Anyway, you can tell when I haven't eaten for about 5 days at least. I start walking slower, having very little energy, I get really pale, my cheeks get rosy and the rest looks just plain white, the longer it goes on I look more grayish, I love when I'm pale and rosy and can keep track of the progress I'm making easier, like when clothes feel looser and I start wearing shirts more that I can only wear then, that show my belly, which I hate, except can tolerate then. In a day or two my face will look different if I don't GIVE IN. I remember how sick I looked and how I felt when I went up to this school to see my former teacher/now great friend and met this cool astranaut. I ran home from school, ran to where I worked, found out that if I tried to cash my check that I went to pick up, it'd bounce, that ruined my idea to take a camera for my first pic. of that teacher, saw a girl there that is real nice and I worked with, she bought a meal that had two cheeseburgewrs in it, fries and a drink, I got a free diet drink, and when one of those sandwiches were offered to me, I decided to eat for the first time in three days by then, and ate it, thanked her while shovveling it in my mouth starvinly, and then ran home, had to throw up yet felt really bad, because the girl could've eaten it, and then walked to the place where I met with them, in the pictures some of the teachers took there and later gave me a copy of, one with me the ast. and teacher, I think now that I looked good, pale and thin, GREAT.
I like looking thinner so much, esp. when I see people that remember me as fatter, then when they see me again. I may get to see that teacher again this wednesday, if I can arrange a time, I am supposed to have M@P from 12:30-5:30, then explorers 6-9, but I may skip something. I don't want her to think I was just talking shit when I told her that i was going to get a referral to get help with the ed. That I don't look like it's getting worse. When you look in the mirrior,what do you see? I see myself like a good sized person see's themselves in the reflection of a car door. Strecthed, both ways. Esp. sideways.
So I haven't found out yet when I'm moving, nervous about birth control, scared of seeing the weight on the medical scale, every time I step on it I am depressed that day, I mean, I used to love getting out of school to go to the doctors and then go to eat afterwards, esp when I get out of school longer that way.
I'm going to update soon, I'm weak today and depressed, et cetera. I ate a sub earlier adn threw it up, I feel like I did up till about 5, great and have not eaten kind of good.