I haven't written for a while. Days get so busy, I want to slow down so much. I slid on some ice on January 11th, and my friend, her two kids and my two were in there heading to my niece's birthday party. I also fell on ice twice not too long ago, but was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed at a situation that when I fell, my first thought was I wish that it would have hurt. I knew I would be sore later, but I felt like I needed to feel something right then. I hate that I felt that way, and now I am complaining because my arm and shoulder and part of my necks still hurts weeks later.
Other then that I have been feeling pretty well for the most part lately. I have been handling tough sitautions better, I have been getting back into some things in my life that I miss out on sometimes, I have been trying to be kinder and more forgiving to some people, especially the ones that I feel hurt by the most in my life. I admire one because he says he feels no hate, and I would give anything to feel the same way after being in same situations. I don't want to keep feeling hurt, angry depressed, drained. I want to be happy and healthy.
Speaking of healthy, I don't know what's going on with my eating disorder but I believe that I am on a great track with recovering! I have things instilled in me more now, I want to stop a lot right now, and I have been doing much, much better. Some restricting, some bingeing, but no purging in any way, and I am still working on the bingeing part and eating normal portioned meals at decent times and stuff. I'm honest with my therapist, have been reaching out to others more about it, trying to prioritize reciovering, yet I am not very happy. This is hard. It would be easier to not bother with. I feel better purging, but just can't keep it up right now. I'm happy, and I'm not. I need to be more just a supporter of recovery, an advocate then a victim suffering still. I have a lot of knowledge and insight about my own ED in particular, and resources, and two daughters,.. I just need to keep this additude about it up! This is scary, though. I have been obsessing about my weight a lot, but I still haven't weighed myself, the thought is just terrifying and fascinating at the same time. I know I'll see a dangerous number. I know that I can't handle that right now. I know that I have no business on a scale at this stage,... but I want to drag my sacle out from it's spot, check it and get it over with. I am curious. BRB. Ok, I don't want to think about it much, but it's 12 pounds more then what I said it was on that form I filled out a couple of days ago. I know I haven't been exercising. I know I have been eating a lot more, and it hasn't been all that healthy. I can keep changing the little parts and working on recovery. I have to, or I'll go running back.