The girls went to sleep a lot better than usual tonight. I had to leave Emily here and just take Trinity out to a store, and she was upset but I knew if I didn't stay consisent with her then the next time we have a time period to get ready to leave she'll stop playing as much. At the very least she knows I mean business when I say "we have 5 minutes to get ready, then we have to go." I don't really know if she can help it, but I do want to help her learn how to focus more. She tries so hard, and I know it's not always easy for her,...
We got a new stuffed bunny that prays. Whew! I also wrote down a new routine I want to try on this hot pink posterboard. I cutt it out in the shape of a heart, hoping it'll make a difference being tacked up on the wall. I watch a lot of super nanny, and after the naughty chair started working for me right away, I have been trying out other techniques and things she teaches parents. I also pay close attention in my parenting classes, and take it very seriously.
These diuretics don't seem to work for me! I was taking double doses, now I am taking more of those double doses during the day, and yet I don't feel any different yet. My stomach looks pretty bloated still, actually. I HATE that I am going into counseling tomorrow and will be weighed!!!! I hope to get out of it, I will try to just get it over with and out of my mind as soon as possible and if they must weigh me then I just won't look. I can't stand the idea of seeing it,,...... I see my therapist right after, too, and I don't want to tell her that I just don't feel like recovering right now, but I am honest with her and she may ask me how it's going, I don't want to leave things out but I don't want her to say anything about me not taking the diuretics, either. I will tell her the truth, but try my hardest not to have to say what I have been doing to relapse this week. I am not sure I really was recovering at all before then, anyways. I feel confused about it all. Is it possible to want help for something, but just later? That's where I think I am at right now with bulimia.
I read somewhere that there is going to be a scale bashing event to start of national eating disorder awareness week this year. People are going to view this film coming out called America, the beautiful or something, and there are different events planned in different communities for this week. If I go and basyh my scale, would that be a start for me? I may not be ready to commit to really fully recovering yet, but maybe that will be emotional. Maybe it'd be worth the long drive. Maybe I will feel a sense of freedom after I do it. Could I commit to doing it here on that day if I can't make it there? I can't find information telling me where it is yet. This year is the first time this week came up and I was even partially into trying to recover. While I am bouncing back and forth, I am still trying new things. I am taking a trip to DC by myself, I am registered as an advocate for ED's, and I am proudly going to wear my recovery shirts coming in the mail, if they fit. I had an idea to try and use these recovery earrings I like as an incentive of some sort. For every week I don't smoke, or binge, or purge, or restrict, whatever I am focusing on working on at the time, I put $5 of guilt free I have totally earned it money towards the earrings. I have to keep trying. This is NOT easy.