Well it turned out I never got weighed yesterday! I accidently slept in and missed the first appointment and then I did make it to see Rachel, though.
I told Rachel about how Cilla Aslee and Corey have been here since wednesday already and she asked me if the girls liked them, and stuff like that. She gave me a suggestion that I want to try but haven't yet. She asked me how long I was willing to have houseguests for, and I that was hard for now because things are just fine and I really just don't know yet. I never know what to expect, and things change constantly.
She asked me specifically about purging. I told her that I haven't been throwing up, and no laxes, but that I started taking diuretics. I don't know why I told her, except that I guess even though I don't want to stop taking them, I do want someone who knows, cares and understands to know what I am doing. I don't understand how she took it. She didn't judge me or try to convince me to stop, but she said that they were dangerous, and that was even after I told her how I wasn't taking too many and that they don't even seem to work.
I got the courage up to ask her why it sounded like I was diagnosed as having an eating disorder, NOS. I thought I was bulimic. I know that other than the last few weeks I "qualified" as a bulimic. I was afraid she wouldn't answer me. I asked her if I was diagnosed as bulimic or if it was "just an eating disorder". She evaded the question and asked me why it was important. I said I wasn't sure, and she suggested that maybe I didn't feel like I was "sick" enough if I wasn' classified as an actual bulimic or anoretic. I said maybe. I think she's right, and it is hard to explain but she may have undesrtood anyway. I am not bulimic. I am not anorexic. I have an eating disorder. The thing is, while I don't want to have any of it if I am going to be sick then I am going to be sick with something the right way. I feel like I almost deserve the title bulimic, though I wish I had anorexia if any. I have heard other people say that they had bulimia and anorexia and that they were ashamed that they only had bulimia. I just want to be recovered or have a title that I earned: whether it was anorexia, bulimia or a recovered disordered eater. This disease is messed up. I said maybe I don't feel sick enough just having an ED but what happens if they changed it to bulimia? Am I finally sick enough, then? I guess I want to be 100% recovered or 100% sick. I also feel lazy. I feel like I haven't been working hard enough either way. I want to be back into the ED like I was when I was doing well, ED wise. I want to focus on it, I want it to be a priority. At the same time, I want it to be a nightmare of my past that I forget about it the future!
I had to ask her a second time because I didn't feel like I had a clear enough answer. She never really directly answered me but I finally got the hint that it was just an eating disorder. I may as well just be dieting a little here and there. This isn't justified. I know this sounds crazy, and I don't care. I either want to be recovered, or I want to be diagosed right with what i live with. I know this sounds crazy to some, but it's a big deal to me. I don't know what I'll do about it, how to handle it, or even how to act right now. I am sick of this. I hate my life so much right now, I can't even not screw up having an eating disorder! This is sick.