I don't think I want to say anything to Rachel later today about how bad my eating has gotten. I felt like I was going to burst because I wanted to say something to someone, but at the same time some of the things I want to say could be triggering. I don't even want to put it on here right now. The only thing is, I can't lie to her. If she asks me something I will tell her, and I eventually would tell her, anyway, but right now I just don't want to ruin this. I don't want any help for this yet. I did before, I want to later, but now I just want to stay with it and see what happens.
I started purging again the other day and I have missed it and got mad when I have eaten and couldn't purge, and then I feel complete when I do purge. OK. I am purging. I am making myself throw up again, I am purposefully restricting,. and I have started taking diuretics. I have told her about that part, and she said it was dangerous. I hear her, a little. I hear other things, more. I hear how while it is this, and that, and this and that, I can lose weight fast. I am willing to be dehydrated. I am ok with it,and I just wish I could feel like I didn't have to turn to things, but at the same time,..
If I have an ED to block out pain, and I was doing better but feeling crappy, I see why people say I have to go through that part to get to the other side of recovering, but I don't want to go through that! I don't want to keep crying, and feeling out of control. I don't want to deal with the pain I cover up. I ahve never seen it like this before, I have never done it conciously to cover up pain, but that's what I have been told is why I have an ED and I think I really believe it now. At the same time, I wish I never started having an ED!!! It's so fustrating!!!!!!!