Ok so I read a comment from my last entry and it was confusing.
Early this morning the receptionist called to cancel my session because my therapist is sick. I hope that I will see her tomorrow but there's not a good chance of that since it's the last day of the week when she'll be there. I am just glad that I am doing ok. In the past missing a session would make me feel horribly. I would feel thrown off, and feel kind of desperate, it's hard to explain. I guss I am relying on myself more these days, and I know that I can always at least call and leave her a message if need be, and even if I don't see her tomorrow like if she's booked or still sick, I'll end up seeing her next week. I am ok! Well, ok, maybe not, but I am also not doing too badly, either. Not like in the past. I may even be able to get my eating back under some real control soon, hopefully before too long. I know what to do, I just am not motivated right now. I guess this week is a way for me to have a break, and I can keep going like I am or I can do whatever possible to get back to recovering.
I got E to therapy at 11, and she was "being shy". I just went into the office and talked to her therapist by myself and we left her alone in the playroom part. I talked a lot, and I think I am good about keeping her therapy sessions based on he and my roles and things with her, I don't really talk about me or my issues or anything unless she asks. She asked if daddy and I were still in a relationship, and while that is a little more personal about me it doesn't bother me and it does pertain to E. I told her no, that at first we did, but now we don't. I do think just the fact that daddy will spend the night here or I will spend the night there and sometimes we will sleep in each other's beds with each other can confuse the kids a little. I do have a complicated lifestyle sometimes.
Earlier in the week J has been doing well in my eyes. I was giving him credit and then I got upset at how he acted about this latest day off. He still is spending time with the girls, he brought the girls back home (late) for E's therapy session, but I was so upset when I talked to him last that I knew I needed to do something, and at the time all I could do was decide in my heart (again) that this was it! No more messing with him anymore, no more working so hard to make things try to work out right. I can't depend on him. The girls can't depend on him. Noone can depend on him, unless it's convienient for him. I used to think we needed him around still, now I just hope that with a ton of work from me that he'll do even the simplest things, one thing that needs to be done. Until the girls go to school, I have no choice but to need him around to "help". The girls need him for life, but a few hours are too much work some times! I need to keep my girls safely tucked with me and make things right within us, so that things are ok, things are working out, things are under control. With J there is no guarentees! More latyer, spying eyes.