I emailed my counselor to let her know about the part of tapering off these pills, and that I figure all I can do is just keeping taking them, but try not to take too many, and wait till Monday to talk to someone/see my therapist. She said that I should try to get ahold of someone tomorrow if I can, and that kind of scares me, honestly. I am nervous. I am anxious, and worried. I am worried about still taking them, I am scared to not. I am starting to really wonder what might be happening to my body, and I am having cramping, and headaches, nausea, hives, extra period, et cetera. I have bruises on my legs again, that's something I have noticed a lot with purging. When I am doing more of it, or better in sick ED language, I get a lot of bruises that aren't actually tender all over my legs, and sometimes my arms, too. I have also been extremely thirsty, more so then usual, and have had diarreah, which I know is a sign of dehydration. It may really be starting to sink in now. I am screwing with my health.
In one way it seems a little too drastic to me. I could have a heart attack, I could go into a coma, I could die. It doesn't seem real in a way. I have had an eating disorder for over half of my life now and never was all that sick, physically. I had some times, with doing things like taking laxes or drinking syrup of ipecac, but it was never more then staying home from school for a day or so, really. I have always been considered healthy for the most part. I feel like I won't get sick, and that nothing would happen. I feel invincible for some reason. I don't trust others when they say I'm hurting myself, or maybe I don't care enough.
I was working on getting better, even getting to the point where it was normal for me to say (and being honest!) that I haven't purged all week. I had gotten diagnosed with ED NOS at some point, and that sounded like progress in my ED to me. It sacred me it was such a big change at first. I set alarms for me to get on a better schedule with eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, a healthy snack and a fun food each day. I wasn't going to do the fun food at first but then one day I was eating something like an oatmeal cream pie and I realized I didn't have to feel bad or purge because I could count that as a fun food and allow it, instead! So I decided to try it, though it's hardest because that's what I want the most of anyway, and yet it's the things I feel the worse about eating! Now I am back into the restricting/bingeing/purging cycles, and I take those pills. I can't, or shouldn't get off them yet, either. I feel weird having to keep taking them when the goal is to eventually stop them. I feel like I am taking them now to help my health, which is ok if I don't end up staying on them or taking more. I don't want to ever always have to take them, I'm sure of that!