I really really needed my therapy session last monday. This was how the day went:
I woke up around 10:30. I called my therapist, she answered, we set up a session for that same day at 1, and I told her right away that I had started taking the diuretics again. She asked me what was going on and I said I don't know and she reminded me that I have a pattern where I would let one, but sometimes not just one thing go wrong and I might go into my eating disorder as a way to cope with it. We hung up, I got the girls and I ready and started taking them to a firends house so he could watch them while I was at my session.
Oh, after waking my youngest one up she started having an asthma attack, which we got through without the inhaler but it was stressful and just added to the next events,..
I was rounding the corner, and my steering wheel locked up! I couldn't take it. I called the babbysitter, dealt with 2 nice guys that appeared out of nowhere and started helping me move my car to a safer spot, then called my therapist. I told her what was going on, the girls were starting to cry, I was feeling really, I don't know, frantic. R told me that she would schedule with me for the next morning and I was firm about going TODAY somehow. I decided to walk the girls to the house in their stroller, then walk to my counseling center. I needed to see her today. I told her I thought I would go insane of I didn't make it in and I went to a lot of trouble to get there.
My next obstacle was my friend telling me I wouldn't make it to our next rescheduled appointment on time by walking. I asked him to call another friend of theirs and geta ride, and they came and got me for $10 (it's just down the street a ways!)
I made it, though! I attempted to call my husband, and his parents, anyone to help me ina any way. The girls were fine and I knew I needed to go get them and work on the car, but all that was really on my mind honestly was how much I needed to go see Rachel.
I had a great session! I was shaking so bad by the time I got there, she noticed and I said yeah, when she asked about the anxiety I was having. I even got speechless somewhat after first getting there. I was overwhelmed by then, not sure what I needed to talk about. What first? I said it was the diuretics that was bothering me the most, but now it's asthma, and the car, et cetera.
She helped me think about it all and get things in order in my head. I gave her the last of my diuretics to get rid of, found laxes later to throw away, too, and that was because she helped convince me that it would be safer to just stop taking them then to keep taking them. She only took those pills with me promising that I wouldn't go buy any more. I don't have a lot of money, anyhow, so it's the perfect time! plus, we talked about how hard it was getting and she knows, and I can always go tot he doctors if anything happened. I decided that I really either had to stop or keep taking them. I wasn't expecting to hand them over, but I am GLAD I did!!! The laxes were because *I can't go half way! It's all or nothing with recovery right now. At the same time, I am going to be nicer to myself when I do "forget" to eat, or have thoughts, urges, whatever, because I can't recover like magically, and right away! So far, now that it's Wednesday, I am ok. My thoughts are good and healthy, and I am trying! I forgave myself for stealing a mini corn dog from my daughter earlier when she wasn't looking, I was kidding but yeah, I wanted it! She had plenty!!!
R understood when I told her about why it was bothering me. I was thinking ED wise that I had no business bothering people, and wasting their time. I said I don't want the girls to catch on, and she said that they are getting older. I caught myself starting to do a body check, but stopped when I was about to grab my wrist. I wonder if she noticed, I realized that at that second I was looking for reassurance that things were ok still. I didn't need it with her, because I got it from her. She knows I have had some problems that really helped knock me down, but I am ok, I am trying, I do want better for myself!!! Better mom, persona nd christian is what I want and need to be.
I am so tired, have been. I have so many things I want to write about but J and I are going to go on a ride (my car's ok now) and listen to music and smoke and relax so that we can get everyone to bed. I'm about to take my meds and set alarms and stuff so I can start to pass out,.. then I am changing my life for the better! Starting,.. NOW
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Part 2
I felt so much better being at R's. When I was done I was fully planning on walking back to go get my kids, BUT, it was raining. pouring. lightning, thunder, the whole works. A nice day for a walk with the mood I was in, not good for taking my girls on it.
So, I get outside and see that it's pouring and Steve calls me back! I have a ride!!!
While smoking a cigg, getting very wet and just trying to figure out my next move I see some guys from a group I was in a while back. They come over, we have small talk and the one asks me about a former friend of both of ours. He asked me if I have seen Jeff. I was having a hard time placing this guy in our littole group we once had, so before I answered him I asked him how close he was with him. I felt pained by something new, and took a second to collect my thoughts and pray real quick. I said I'm sorry, but he passed away a few months ago. This smiling nice guy with pretty blue eyes and big ears. His smile left. He just stood there. I went on, hoping it was the right thing to do. I am sorry, but yhe comitted suicide. I just found out a couple months ago myself. From what I heard (because after he stole some meds from me I stopped talking to him) he got off all his stuff, like probation, and all that and threw a party and ended up shooting himself. This guy wasn't talking, didn't move. I hugged him. He stood there in disbelief and then he got angry. He was angry about the people that didn't acre and didn't help. I told him I was pissed off, too, but that now that time has passed it has been a lot easier to deal with. He said thank you for telling him, but I still wonder, I just know that I would want to know. I walked him back to his class and put my thumb up when Steve got there to come get me.
We picked the girls up and he got to meet my friend and he said he seemed really nice. We got the girls, got to my car and wow! It worked! Figures. I still don't know what happened, but for now it works, and I am so happy. So the rest of the day was mostly tryng to help the girls have fun since it was such a hard morning and getting rid of the pills. At night when getting back to my house at one point while waiting on everyone else instead of going inside (right after I ate dinner) I just went ahead and laid down on the stoop outside the building and played games on my ipod and relaxed. It has been a long trying day, and I didn't want to go inside when I knew I might purge because I am really trying to recover now. So far, so good!
The next day I went and got results from when my daughter was tested, and it turns out that she has a pretty high IQ and they suggested she goes into kindergarden this year, though her sister is, also. She is autistic and needs to be challenged and if she is left bored there is a good chance that she will regress more, and teachers might think she is behaving badly when she's just too bored of the subjects that she already seems to know stuff about. I am leaning towards to at least trying it, because I know she can handle it.