Yesterday I took the girls to spend the night at their Grandparent's house. I was a little tired so I took some pills that help give me energy. I had enough energy to last for quite a while! I was able to clean up daddy's room a lot, even after he got home and sat in there on his computer not helping me. I did a few loads of laundry, went grocery shopping for them and for my mom, and also took some dinner over to moms when I dropped the groceries off. I got back to their house with dinner late so we decided to eat from a restaraunt, instead of lasangna and buttered bread.
My father in law, Steve gave me an electronic cigarette! I like it so far. i charged it with a USB thing and am going to try and save it for when I must smoke in the car, so I can quit smoking in that confined space with my girls and also not have to deal with the ashtray anymore. I hate being a smoker!
During the night I chose to just stay awake here at home. I did another load of laundry with wet nasty towels from cleaning, and I got my kitchen fridge, microwave, counters and floor done, and I got caught up on dishes. I put away a ton of clean laundry, I cleaned my room, organized our walk in closet in the girls room now, and tidied up a bit. I still have energy. I started looking for laxes forgetting that I threw them away. When I remembered, I was a little upset and thought about buying more, because Friday nights I am really able to do it and I need to, at least ED wise. If I didn't do it, when this is the best time ever to, well, I feel horrible. I found diuretics that I lost under my bed. I took some more, knowing better but not being able to resist. Now I am chock full of stuff that gives me energy, through caffeine and ephedrine.
I ate breakfast today! I don't know what I am doing, if I am recovering or relapsing, but it's about time I let myself!!! I was craving chinese food, and for some reason that made me go and eat. It was 7:50 a.m. and I ate a slice of toast with some peanut butter, and a piece of string cheese to use as a protein to help burn off some of the carbs. My last load of laundry should be finished around 9, and it's 8 a.m. now, so soon I will exercise for a bit, take a shower, get dressed and ready for the day and around 9 after I get my clothes out and put away from the laundry room I was planning on heading to church to see if I could help clean up or something. I want to do this every Saturday, but am never awake to do so. I live so close, though, ahnd son't have the kids and am awake, so why not?!! You'd think I was sick of cleaning by now, but I am not.
I feel better about my life and how I am living it when I am doing things that are right, that make me happy, or that help in some way. Getting more organized and on track can ONLY help me. I am hoping that sometime after we clean P, R and I will go eat lunch after church, but if not I will do my best to eat something myself for lunch at 12. I have a schedule for food thati don't follow most of the time. It is a shame how simple my life could be if only I tried harder! All I need to start doing at the right times are eating, sleeping, and taking my meds. I need to stop driving so much, going a half hour away to hang out with our closest family members. I need to reconnect with other people more, like people at church, friends from my NA group, my other family members. The girls need more play dates, and I need to stop smoking, too. I have a lot of work to do, but I am finally getting motivated for real again!
I am always telling myself "I need, and I want'. I want to tell myself that I am trying, and when I do get one of the million things I need to work on right, I want to celebrate it, as much as I beat myself up over not getting something right. I just want to thrive and be happy.