Hi,
Last night was another one of the nights with my mother, I slammed out of the house (I know better then to just leave, even to just sit outside to try and calm down after she starts stuff, because she tells me you go out that door then I'm calling the police. So I got hysterical over something that would seem so stupid to anyone else, and so afetr quickly finishing all of my jobs for being grounded (I don't know where I'm at now, I got grounded for a week after taking the last big thing of laxatives, and then two weeks for getting caught skipping school this one day, I don't remember if I wrote about it. But her grounding, she makes up an amount of time, or doesn't tell us, then she forgets when we're off and so one day when we feel like we've been grounded for too long, usually when we foget why, we'll just do whatever we couldn't and then say that we've been off for a while.) My jobs are to take out the trash, do the dishes, stay off the internet and just normal grounding stuff, but I can go to some places, ess. work and school, and I am allowed to use the phone, and I am allowed to watch tv, because those are some things I'm not always very interested in, and hardly do.
I am feeling better, a LOT better physically, nbut I have been dizzy, and today someone asked me why I was walking the way I was, I staggered a little and was trying to keep my balance, that was all.
This is weird, after all of that crap last night, I packed in a fury for camp, and kept saying how glad I was to be leaving. I'm surprised Ann didn't make me stay home from camp for punishment, anyways,.... In the morning I lugged the luggage for today, a schoolbag full of stuff and tons of candy I ate today ( I confess, but I did throw lunch and dinner up and felt so much better, I was making up for the bad stuff) and I went and sat in my last bell class and kidded around with my teacher, I helped her do some things and I was a new student just for the bell, she was making a new seating chart and I was like, can I sit next to Audria? I like making people laugh. Then I went to the gym, and I had to get a personal item from the nurses office, and so I ended up helping this teacher across from there with this cart full of these bags with tissue and ribbon on it, and guess where it went? Right where I was oing, they were these little "gifts" I guess you can call them frpm the nurse and that teacher, I picked out a pink one, it had mostly hygeine items in it, deoderant, lotion, a toothbrush with these plague tabs, soap, et cetera, and a piece of candy, that was really nice of them. I already packed my own hyg. items, along with other little things like band aids, first aid cream, anti itch cream, but still.
I'll explain more things in detail later after we're finished., I'm only home now because my cousin (I'm glad my mom left for bingo) picked me up, I have to sleep here at our "home sweet home" and go to cpourt in the morning, but then back to camp I go till about 2 p.m. thursday. Then Angie, my case manager is picking me up, and I'm going to try to go to the school I normally go to on wed. to help the teacher there, then camp will really be over :(
Ms. B was supposed to be there, as my mentor, but she had something happen, someone either died or is very sick, and I think it was her boyfriends mom, she said they were going to see her in the hospital over the weekend, that something was really wrong and they didn'tknow what, but they thought it was cancer. I miss her already, I was picturing things like her sitting on my bunk bed braiding my hair like she likes to do a lot, like at school.
Tomorrow morn. I will miss mostly meals and stuff, and a couple of games, and the one activity we didn't get to do today, riding horses. But I will make the afternoon stuff, which includes the high and low ropes courses, and a campfire at night with smores, and our group is doing some skit by the fire, I actually made up in a way, I just told them that this song we say in ROTC, it's like this, we yell: Motivated, motivated, down right dedicated, you check us out, you check us out, ooh rah! since our them,e was motivation, and rhey liked it, and we're using it, I'll be one of the cheerleaders and the rest who couldn't do the jumping part (I'm so glad we decided not to do the pyramid, I would hate to step on anyone's back and break it at camp) and I have to practice my part tonight here at home, it's a little difficult and we wasted so much of our only little bit of time to make it up and practice, I'm glad I opened my mouth when I did.
I feel bad, I have this weird thing, like these vibes, I can tell when I like a certain person, or when they like me, it get's me attached to a lot of people, ess. teachers, I've always seemed to get attached to teachers, I think since I see them for a long part of my life, and I've always needed that mother figure since I don't have it here at home with my own mother. This teacher, though, she's kone of the mentors, she offered to take some pictures for me with my disposable camera, and when I asked her to take one of me when I climbed the top of this wall, she took about 3 or 4! Not jut one, she said she'd take 2, but then she said when I got down that she couldn't help herself.
We talked a little when I borrowed her to have someone take me to my cabin so I could get my stuff ready for when I left, and she even asked me if I wanted to be in the class she teaches next year, and gave me a hug before I left after jump roping a little ( a lot, terying to burn off the ex. calories I didn't get out when I threw up after dinner) and I felt bad, because I haven't exactly been feeling suicidal in the last few days, more relieved though that as soon as I need to I can and will kill myself, and I'm really not planning on still being here by this summer, much less another school year, but who knows? Maybe something will change by then. I told her that I might, it's a tv class, where you learn how to tape things and you tape the football games and other school things, it seems fun, and theres a lot of work to it, but who knows.
Rimbaud, it's nice to meet you, and to hear that you've been trying to keep up with my wonderful chaotic lfe, and paul, I can't tell anyone how Ifeel, not like that because if I did, tell the nurse, ms. B or anyone, they'll just tell my counselors, or mother and if anything I'll be institutionalized, which will not help me, I'd kill myself when I got out.
Well, I have to pack for two more nice long busy days, (not sacrcastically said) and get a nice dress ready for the morning for court (the last of that one, yes!!!) so goodnight for now, take care!!!! When I'm back and can sneak on the computer again, I'll mention everything, even about the principle letting us smoke, in as much detail as I can!
Last night was another one of the nights with my mother, I slammed out of the house (I know better then to just leave, even to just sit outside to try and calm down after she starts stuff, because she tells me you go out that door then I'm calling the police. So I got hysterical over something that would seem so stupid to anyone else, and so afetr quickly finishing all of my jobs for being grounded (I don't know where I'm at now, I got grounded for a week after taking the last big thing of laxatives, and then two weeks for getting caught skipping school this one day, I don't remember if I wrote about it. But her grounding, she makes up an amount of time, or doesn't tell us, then she forgets when we're off and so one day when we feel like we've been grounded for too long, usually when we foget why, we'll just do whatever we couldn't and then say that we've been off for a while.) My jobs are to take out the trash, do the dishes, stay off the internet and just normal grounding stuff, but I can go to some places, ess. work and school, and I am allowed to use the phone, and I am allowed to watch tv, because those are some things I'm not always very interested in, and hardly do.
I am feeling better, a LOT better physically, nbut I have been dizzy, and today someone asked me why I was walking the way I was, I staggered a little and was trying to keep my balance, that was all.
This is weird, after all of that crap last night, I packed in a fury for camp, and kept saying how glad I was to be leaving. I'm surprised Ann didn't make me stay home from camp for punishment, anyways,.... In the morning I lugged the luggage for today, a schoolbag full of stuff and tons of candy I ate today ( I confess, but I did throw lunch and dinner up and felt so much better, I was making up for the bad stuff) and I went and sat in my last bell class and kidded around with my teacher, I helped her do some things and I was a new student just for the bell, she was making a new seating chart and I was like, can I sit next to Audria? I like making people laugh. Then I went to the gym, and I had to get a personal item from the nurses office, and so I ended up helping this teacher across from there with this cart full of these bags with tissue and ribbon on it, and guess where it went? Right where I was oing, they were these little "gifts" I guess you can call them frpm the nurse and that teacher, I picked out a pink one, it had mostly hygeine items in it, deoderant, lotion, a toothbrush with these plague tabs, soap, et cetera, and a piece of candy, that was really nice of them. I already packed my own hyg. items, along with other little things like band aids, first aid cream, anti itch cream, but still.
I'll explain more things in detail later after we're finished., I'm only home now because my cousin (I'm glad my mom left for bingo) picked me up, I have to sleep here at our "home sweet home" and go to cpourt in the morning, but then back to camp I go till about 2 p.m. thursday. Then Angie, my case manager is picking me up, and I'm going to try to go to the school I normally go to on wed. to help the teacher there, then camp will really be over :(
Ms. B was supposed to be there, as my mentor, but she had something happen, someone either died or is very sick, and I think it was her boyfriends mom, she said they were going to see her in the hospital over the weekend, that something was really wrong and they didn'tknow what, but they thought it was cancer. I miss her already, I was picturing things like her sitting on my bunk bed braiding my hair like she likes to do a lot, like at school.
Tomorrow morn. I will miss mostly meals and stuff, and a couple of games, and the one activity we didn't get to do today, riding horses. But I will make the afternoon stuff, which includes the high and low ropes courses, and a campfire at night with smores, and our group is doing some skit by the fire, I actually made up in a way, I just told them that this song we say in ROTC, it's like this, we yell: Motivated, motivated, down right dedicated, you check us out, you check us out, ooh rah! since our them,e was motivation, and rhey liked it, and we're using it, I'll be one of the cheerleaders and the rest who couldn't do the jumping part (I'm so glad we decided not to do the pyramid, I would hate to step on anyone's back and break it at camp) and I have to practice my part tonight here at home, it's a little difficult and we wasted so much of our only little bit of time to make it up and practice, I'm glad I opened my mouth when I did.
I feel bad, I have this weird thing, like these vibes, I can tell when I like a certain person, or when they like me, it get's me attached to a lot of people, ess. teachers, I've always seemed to get attached to teachers, I think since I see them for a long part of my life, and I've always needed that mother figure since I don't have it here at home with my own mother. This teacher, though, she's kone of the mentors, she offered to take some pictures for me with my disposable camera, and when I asked her to take one of me when I climbed the top of this wall, she took about 3 or 4! Not jut one, she said she'd take 2, but then she said when I got down that she couldn't help herself.
We talked a little when I borrowed her to have someone take me to my cabin so I could get my stuff ready for when I left, and she even asked me if I wanted to be in the class she teaches next year, and gave me a hug before I left after jump roping a little ( a lot, terying to burn off the ex. calories I didn't get out when I threw up after dinner) and I felt bad, because I haven't exactly been feeling suicidal in the last few days, more relieved though that as soon as I need to I can and will kill myself, and I'm really not planning on still being here by this summer, much less another school year, but who knows? Maybe something will change by then. I told her that I might, it's a tv class, where you learn how to tape things and you tape the football games and other school things, it seems fun, and theres a lot of work to it, but who knows.
Rimbaud, it's nice to meet you, and to hear that you've been trying to keep up with my wonderful chaotic lfe, and paul, I can't tell anyone how Ifeel, not like that because if I did, tell the nurse, ms. B or anyone, they'll just tell my counselors, or mother and if anything I'll be institutionalized, which will not help me, I'd kill myself when I got out.
Well, I have to pack for two more nice long busy days, (not sacrcastically said) and get a nice dress ready for the morning for court (the last of that one, yes!!!) so goodnight for now, take care!!!! When I'm back and can sneak on the computer again, I'll mention everything, even about the principle letting us smoke, in as much detail as I can!