Waaaaaaahhh is a word that I have found myself saying a lot, today I was handing something to someone at school and when handing it to her, i embarrassed myself, I said waaaahh at the same time, wahhh is like saying, wall, without the ll's, see, when I babysit this darling Catlin, I always say it, and it's become my word.
I ended up eating today. Gosh, that's something that is SO SIMPLE, but yet it's not, anyone I think, with any type of eating disorder, they feel so so so so so mad at theirselves when they give in and eat, see, it's weird, but I've heard it being called as quilty, but that's not the right word for it. Mostly it's like, p o's at theirselves. I feel like it's ruined, that the little control I have managed to use lately has been taken, and what's worse, like today for me, it was myself, not anyone, like the school nurse, or the librarian I'm seeing a lot now, and not the counselors, but me. I hgave in, at lunchtime, I went to the cafeteria. I plopped anything that looked edible, which was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a yogurt, and two strawberry milks on my tray. I carried the thing to the nurses office, she was happy, though. And I saw someone special to me, This boy name David.
David doesn't know that he's getting a surprise party, an extra birthday, see, the nurse and I are going to try to have one next week, but David has some medical problems that make it impossible to know for sure when he will be there. We're having cake and ice cream and streamers and presents and stuff at lunchtime one day. No extra lunch for me then, and a trip to the restroom after that!!!
At lunch today he has decided not to get lunch for whatever reason, so I happily gave him half of the sandwich, the yogurt and a milk, and I was good at reassuring him to not feel bad about taking it from me, I said no, I'm giving this to you, and we talked for so long that I didn't have time to purge and so I went to class on time instead, and fell asleep in it, and I was getting ready to ask to go to the bathroom, too! But, no, I slept through the whole thing, I've been so worn out lately, from my cold, my *diet* and not getting enough sleep at night, I've been weak and dizzy but I can handle that.
Me, whoever wrote a comment in the last one, all I know what to say is what I've read about, in these eating disorder books I look at for mostly motivation, to help me, I feel so good about what I'm doing esp. when I'm reading about how sucessful everyone else is with it, and well, parts that say to friends or family suffering with the disordered eater, it says to make sure you learn like by reading as much as you can about eating disorders, it helps to educate yourself on the subject before helping someone else with it, and it says to be there for them, support them, but also know when to back up. I personally like it when people care, but I also at the same time do not want them to be on my back about it, or try to change me in any way about it, you know, you don't try to be their therapist, you can offer to eat with them, idf they would like, but don't follow them to bathrooms afterwards, or sit there and actually watch them eat, or anything like that, unless you talk about it and find out for some reason that is what they like. Try and get the friend to talk to you on her own terms about it, and encourage her, if she wnats or really needs help, to try to find it, offer to help her find someone who can really help. And also, most of us are really proud of we=ight we lose, and will probably tell you anyone, if you care to listen, but try not to actually ask them how much they've lost or anything like that. I was nust trying to offer suggestions, from myself and from what I've read, but you know yourself and your friend the best, so go with your own judgements.
Thanks, Paul, I kept starting to doze off a little in my english class, I was hot and kept getting to the point where I couldn't sleep, anyway, because I had to keep blowing my nose in order to breathe. I was very very uncomfortable. Most of the Julius Caesar questions had to deal with the one scene I was in class to watch, from the time they stabbed him to death to when Anthony and Brutus and them made the speeches at the funeral, so that was a piece of fat free and sugar free cake, a tiny tiny tiny piece that has been cut up into minscule peices in order to be very slowly downed with a lot of water and later purged. I made it through the exam and couldn't wait to get out of there, and had an actually pretty nice detention that was quick and easy for my uniform for rotc not being ready last week.
Then after school came no group, and Steve picked me up anyway, and later on Angie also came and during the time while Steve was only there I had consumed a corn dog and a piece of this nasty pie, I don't know why I started eating now, anyway, I can't taste anything, when your nose is stuffy and runny, why bother shoveling tastless food in your mouth??? Anyway, so a little while later Angiew comes, so mom and steve and angie start talking, I excuse myself, go upstairs to the restrooma nd throw up, come downstairs to face three different faces and be asked why I went upstairs to use the bathrooom instead of going around the corner, and I was like, oh, I don't know, and mom decides to say, speaking of, she noticed Mary went to her room to throw up last nights food, that was the first time I gave in to the hunger lately. So there we go again. They started talking about me like I wasn't sitting in the same room with them. My favorite one was I think that Mary cares about her weight, which is fine, but I think that also she cares about the control. They also said they were going to try to get Mary to find that control somewhere else. Over my dead body will I start caring about controlling something else and give this up!!!
I also had dinner tonight, and I was even going to try to eat a bowl of cereal in the morning before school, then throwing up there, but we didn't have time. I was mebarrassed to actually wanting that, and put the box away., that's feeling quilty.
Steve and I on the way home were talking about some pictures my dad was taking of us last sunday when we visited, I told him that from those I knew there was going to be another court datye soon, it was today. Steve was like, yeah, say cheese and take a picture of Mary wasting away, emacitating herself I liked that. That would mean I lost more weight then planned to, and I wouldn't mind.
I need to knock it off, quit trying to eat. I mean, what's my problem? i'm getting so hungry because I'm not eating, and I like when I'm hungry because it means that i didn't eat or drink that, and that I'm on the right track, and yet, all I want to do is stuff myself when hungry because I'm trying to make myself hungry,... confusing, huh? Try typing that.
Tomorrow are the best exams by far, and we get to leave early, I don't know what time. Piano and Nurses office, which menas since I don't have an exam in there, I can stay in there anyway and do whatever for a couple of hours,... :)
Guess what? At the court today for the divorce, my father and his devil of a lawyer had decided that they were going to have us removed from the rsidence, our home, and that all of the marital and child support would be stopped. They chose the wrong time to try that, but it's understandable, this is still my dads house, even though since mom is divorcing him, he doesn't live here, he pays for it, and well, anyway, mom has decided that we con only see him from like 2-9 sundays, and that we can't stay the night with him and all of this crap, but I don't know. I hate divorces, I will probably nevcer get married nayway, but hopefully if I ever do, I'll first think about spending the rest of my life with the guy, asking myself if it'll work, I won't get married unless I'm s certain as I could be that nothing like money will get in the way, well, I won't get married unless the both of us can imagine our 50th anniversary, at least. And the guy will have to have special qualitys, and he'll have to accept my eating disorder, because it'll stay, whether he does or not.
well, That's it for now, I am going to blow my nose again before I turn my shirt into a nasty color, and then throw up, after I drink this hot cocoa. If I do, I don't know. Tomorrow I'll have water, and that's it. I may end uup writing again, too. BFN
I ended up eating today. Gosh, that's something that is SO SIMPLE, but yet it's not, anyone I think, with any type of eating disorder, they feel so so so so so mad at theirselves when they give in and eat, see, it's weird, but I've heard it being called as quilty, but that's not the right word for it. Mostly it's like, p o's at theirselves. I feel like it's ruined, that the little control I have managed to use lately has been taken, and what's worse, like today for me, it was myself, not anyone, like the school nurse, or the librarian I'm seeing a lot now, and not the counselors, but me. I hgave in, at lunchtime, I went to the cafeteria. I plopped anything that looked edible, which was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a yogurt, and two strawberry milks on my tray. I carried the thing to the nurses office, she was happy, though. And I saw someone special to me, This boy name David.
David doesn't know that he's getting a surprise party, an extra birthday, see, the nurse and I are going to try to have one next week, but David has some medical problems that make it impossible to know for sure when he will be there. We're having cake and ice cream and streamers and presents and stuff at lunchtime one day. No extra lunch for me then, and a trip to the restroom after that!!!
At lunch today he has decided not to get lunch for whatever reason, so I happily gave him half of the sandwich, the yogurt and a milk, and I was good at reassuring him to not feel bad about taking it from me, I said no, I'm giving this to you, and we talked for so long that I didn't have time to purge and so I went to class on time instead, and fell asleep in it, and I was getting ready to ask to go to the bathroom, too! But, no, I slept through the whole thing, I've been so worn out lately, from my cold, my *diet* and not getting enough sleep at night, I've been weak and dizzy but I can handle that.
Me, whoever wrote a comment in the last one, all I know what to say is what I've read about, in these eating disorder books I look at for mostly motivation, to help me, I feel so good about what I'm doing esp. when I'm reading about how sucessful everyone else is with it, and well, parts that say to friends or family suffering with the disordered eater, it says to make sure you learn like by reading as much as you can about eating disorders, it helps to educate yourself on the subject before helping someone else with it, and it says to be there for them, support them, but also know when to back up. I personally like it when people care, but I also at the same time do not want them to be on my back about it, or try to change me in any way about it, you know, you don't try to be their therapist, you can offer to eat with them, idf they would like, but don't follow them to bathrooms afterwards, or sit there and actually watch them eat, or anything like that, unless you talk about it and find out for some reason that is what they like. Try and get the friend to talk to you on her own terms about it, and encourage her, if she wnats or really needs help, to try to find it, offer to help her find someone who can really help. And also, most of us are really proud of we=ight we lose, and will probably tell you anyone, if you care to listen, but try not to actually ask them how much they've lost or anything like that. I was nust trying to offer suggestions, from myself and from what I've read, but you know yourself and your friend the best, so go with your own judgements.
Thanks, Paul, I kept starting to doze off a little in my english class, I was hot and kept getting to the point where I couldn't sleep, anyway, because I had to keep blowing my nose in order to breathe. I was very very uncomfortable. Most of the Julius Caesar questions had to deal with the one scene I was in class to watch, from the time they stabbed him to death to when Anthony and Brutus and them made the speeches at the funeral, so that was a piece of fat free and sugar free cake, a tiny tiny tiny piece that has been cut up into minscule peices in order to be very slowly downed with a lot of water and later purged. I made it through the exam and couldn't wait to get out of there, and had an actually pretty nice detention that was quick and easy for my uniform for rotc not being ready last week.
Then after school came no group, and Steve picked me up anyway, and later on Angie also came and during the time while Steve was only there I had consumed a corn dog and a piece of this nasty pie, I don't know why I started eating now, anyway, I can't taste anything, when your nose is stuffy and runny, why bother shoveling tastless food in your mouth??? Anyway, so a little while later Angiew comes, so mom and steve and angie start talking, I excuse myself, go upstairs to the restrooma nd throw up, come downstairs to face three different faces and be asked why I went upstairs to use the bathrooom instead of going around the corner, and I was like, oh, I don't know, and mom decides to say, speaking of, she noticed Mary went to her room to throw up last nights food, that was the first time I gave in to the hunger lately. So there we go again. They started talking about me like I wasn't sitting in the same room with them. My favorite one was I think that Mary cares about her weight, which is fine, but I think that also she cares about the control. They also said they were going to try to get Mary to find that control somewhere else. Over my dead body will I start caring about controlling something else and give this up!!!
I also had dinner tonight, and I was even going to try to eat a bowl of cereal in the morning before school, then throwing up there, but we didn't have time. I was mebarrassed to actually wanting that, and put the box away., that's feeling quilty.
Steve and I on the way home were talking about some pictures my dad was taking of us last sunday when we visited, I told him that from those I knew there was going to be another court datye soon, it was today. Steve was like, yeah, say cheese and take a picture of Mary wasting away, emacitating herself I liked that. That would mean I lost more weight then planned to, and I wouldn't mind.
I need to knock it off, quit trying to eat. I mean, what's my problem? i'm getting so hungry because I'm not eating, and I like when I'm hungry because it means that i didn't eat or drink that, and that I'm on the right track, and yet, all I want to do is stuff myself when hungry because I'm trying to make myself hungry,... confusing, huh? Try typing that.
Tomorrow are the best exams by far, and we get to leave early, I don't know what time. Piano and Nurses office, which menas since I don't have an exam in there, I can stay in there anyway and do whatever for a couple of hours,... :)
Guess what? At the court today for the divorce, my father and his devil of a lawyer had decided that they were going to have us removed from the rsidence, our home, and that all of the marital and child support would be stopped. They chose the wrong time to try that, but it's understandable, this is still my dads house, even though since mom is divorcing him, he doesn't live here, he pays for it, and well, anyway, mom has decided that we con only see him from like 2-9 sundays, and that we can't stay the night with him and all of this crap, but I don't know. I hate divorces, I will probably nevcer get married nayway, but hopefully if I ever do, I'll first think about spending the rest of my life with the guy, asking myself if it'll work, I won't get married unless I'm s certain as I could be that nothing like money will get in the way, well, I won't get married unless the both of us can imagine our 50th anniversary, at least. And the guy will have to have special qualitys, and he'll have to accept my eating disorder, because it'll stay, whether he does or not.
well, That's it for now, I am going to blow my nose again before I turn my shirt into a nasty color, and then throw up, after I drink this hot cocoa. If I do, I don't know. Tomorrow I'll have water, and that's it. I may end uup writing again, too. BFN