I had decided to start with my career, I chose a card, I became a doctor,... I got married and before I could even have kids I got tired but was payed well with all of the money from passing pay days and me and David decided to quit for a while and let Priscilla and her friend Sam take the game over.
I can't write for too much longer now, David is here, and Cilla and Sam, and Cilla's dad's upstairs,... bt David's mom is picking him up at like ten so I'm going to try and do something else with him before he leaves, I feel so bad, because I've been really depressed and can't enjoy playing our games, like the board game, the game of life much anymore.
Speaking of Life, I'm tired of it. I'll update soon, I need to.
Paul, :( is right. I'm sorry if you email me I'll try to write back about it, but only if you want me to, let me know by email, k? Take Care I'll update in a little bit if I can, love, Mary
*****************************UPDATE*********************************************
Last night I logged off the computer, was slow trying to get everything like my purse, brush and coat ready and all, and I walked out, not talking to Sherman or Cilla.
I left, and walked up, I was going to walk to krogers but decided to stop at a walgreens pharmacy instead. I went in there, had the nerve myself to ask where their laxatives were, then I had to choose some, I ewas going to get some that said maxium strenght but they were too expensive for me, I ended up buying three boxes of some with regular strength, and thre was 30 in each of them, and I also decided to buy a box with 100 advils, to kill myself with by overdosing on at least 40 of them, I don't know where these numbers come from, it's just that I decided fourty and I was sticking to that number, at least. Plus when I took 120 laxatives and spent a night in a medical bed I had a roommate who had od'd on 40 of them, and it's weird, I accidently found out that my case manager Angie had her as a client,...
To buy the laxatives, instead of trying to steal them I had borrowed some money of my moms in this cup I found. They were coin dollars, like susan anthonys and thiose big silver dollars, and also a few of the new us quarters, which aren't so new now.
I didn't want to go back home,... heres what I wrote today when I was upset,... it's what happened.
I don't what to do anymore- The good isn't enough and appearantly the bad isn't working, either. Trying to talk and do better in school and working and trying to go places with certain (good) people, cuting myself and bending over toilets and popping pills (laxes mostly) in my mouth none of that is working, either. I need to do anything else. Twice this week I had almost left. I had said a sort of goodbye to a few people so far, they are tired of me, I know.
Last night I had borrowed some money from mom and wrote down everything I took to pay her back exactly with what I stupidly took,.. I neded money to buy laxatives with, and the 100 advils to kill myself with.
as soon as I bought those, I had to walk and but couldn't face the pain of going home yet so I started off going to mcdonalds. in the parking lot of the little plaza by there, a black truck came up to me and the driver rolled down his window and asked me where I was going. I was starled because I didn' even know that that truck was there untill that happened, I was ina a daze or something, thinking of my bag with 3 boxes of laxatives and the advil in it.
He asked me if I was going somewhgere DUH! I left finally, he drove off, I watched him, he turned around, I went over to him and climbed in.
He asked me where to take me, did not drop me of at mcdonalds, i needed to eat soon and drink milk so the laxatives would work quicker when i took them, and boy my stomach hurt, I like that feeling though, I'm hungry because I'm not eating. he didn't take me there, and when I noticed us leaving the town I live in I still didn't say anything, didn't care. I couldn't have cared less if he had kidnapped me, raped me and then killed me by then.
It started out with some hand holding, I didn't care, let him do whatever, I was more curious then scared. Then I found my hand on a certain thing,... um, big thing really. I was wondering then has he been driving with his shorts down or when did he somehow manage to undress himself there without my noticing and driving? I didn't care. I was hoping he'd get me far far away and also thinking it was wierd how I left the hpouse, then bought some laxatives to cause pain I guess and also pills to od on, and then here I am in a car with a stranger and I end up almost having sex with him.
We drove past an atm machine twice when he mentioned he'd do that first,because the truck was litterally on empty. He needed some money and then gas. He wanted to park somewhere but where? We drive through a residential street, don't see a place and then on the way out, I was just looking at this place, it was like a house, but huge all around and there were five black and whites (cop cars) and a few other cars in the drive way. I pulled away them, said um, maybe right here isn't such a great idea. He had said he was 20 and I told him I was 16 next month. We finally get to an atm and then he got undressed, kissed me softly twice before dropping me off, saying he'd call me tonight. I knew he wouldn't. I wa sterrified at mcdonalds, some men were in line talking baout how fattening one of them sandwiches were, and they and two ladies in front of them were complianing about how slow the service was, I was woken up from my daze, not sure of what t0 do next. So I ate, then I threw up, then I walked home, then I could on;ly lay down, I was dizzy walking home, and scared to death, but wanting to die.
I slept, went to work today after mom noticed the missing money and was going to blame a boy that spent the other night here, and then I confessed, she said I don't want to have anything to do with you, that's it you're this, you're even stealing from me now, et cetera.
At work I mentioned a little bit of it to the manager really quick and asked if my mom decided to poress charges and have me locked up if I'd still be an employee there, and she said yes, I can't believe that, would your mom really do that? I said she would and she has done stuff like that, many times. when she hit me and I became hysterical one night years ago, he "restrained" me and told Teri, my age, my twin sis to call the police and they came and held me in a detention center for two daysm, claiming I was dangerous to mom. :( It was like three Haloweens ago.
Today I ran oyut of the hpouse crying, and after that meeting I ran from that krogers parking lot,... I really need to get out of here.
I was going to kill myself tonight, I miss people, and I will never make it past high school along with getting to be a medic, ff,... and the one guy that loves me when I went out with rj, david said that he was avoiding me because his heart was breaking and he had thought about killing himself over that weekend, I don't want the pressure, I can't go out with someone just so that they won't kill theirselves! But I feel responsible, I want selfishly out of that, too.
So far I'm not going to even try it anymore, but I'm giving myself two more hours on the idea tonight. I want to read some of this book, write a little, and make plans, and if I can't do it anymore, I won'tt. I'll sleep after taking them, and if anything will be put in an instituion or something,.. but then again I want to run away first, do something different like that.I have to plan,... in case this is the last time I'm on here,... if I live and ever get near a computer again I'll write a better goodbye and I'll write emails to certain people,.. I need to get out, somehow. Ciao
I can't write for too much longer now, David is here, and Cilla and Sam, and Cilla's dad's upstairs,... bt David's mom is picking him up at like ten so I'm going to try and do something else with him before he leaves, I feel so bad, because I've been really depressed and can't enjoy playing our games, like the board game, the game of life much anymore.
Speaking of Life, I'm tired of it. I'll update soon, I need to.
Paul, :( is right. I'm sorry if you email me I'll try to write back about it, but only if you want me to, let me know by email, k? Take Care I'll update in a little bit if I can, love, Mary
*****************************UPDATE*********************************************
Last night I logged off the computer, was slow trying to get everything like my purse, brush and coat ready and all, and I walked out, not talking to Sherman or Cilla.
I left, and walked up, I was going to walk to krogers but decided to stop at a walgreens pharmacy instead. I went in there, had the nerve myself to ask where their laxatives were, then I had to choose some, I ewas going to get some that said maxium strenght but they were too expensive for me, I ended up buying three boxes of some with regular strength, and thre was 30 in each of them, and I also decided to buy a box with 100 advils, to kill myself with by overdosing on at least 40 of them, I don't know where these numbers come from, it's just that I decided fourty and I was sticking to that number, at least. Plus when I took 120 laxatives and spent a night in a medical bed I had a roommate who had od'd on 40 of them, and it's weird, I accidently found out that my case manager Angie had her as a client,...
To buy the laxatives, instead of trying to steal them I had borrowed some money of my moms in this cup I found. They were coin dollars, like susan anthonys and thiose big silver dollars, and also a few of the new us quarters, which aren't so new now.
I didn't want to go back home,... heres what I wrote today when I was upset,... it's what happened.
I don't what to do anymore- The good isn't enough and appearantly the bad isn't working, either. Trying to talk and do better in school and working and trying to go places with certain (good) people, cuting myself and bending over toilets and popping pills (laxes mostly) in my mouth none of that is working, either. I need to do anything else. Twice this week I had almost left. I had said a sort of goodbye to a few people so far, they are tired of me, I know.
Last night I had borrowed some money from mom and wrote down everything I took to pay her back exactly with what I stupidly took,.. I neded money to buy laxatives with, and the 100 advils to kill myself with.
as soon as I bought those, I had to walk and but couldn't face the pain of going home yet so I started off going to mcdonalds. in the parking lot of the little plaza by there, a black truck came up to me and the driver rolled down his window and asked me where I was going. I was starled because I didn' even know that that truck was there untill that happened, I was ina a daze or something, thinking of my bag with 3 boxes of laxatives and the advil in it.
He asked me if I was going somewhgere DUH! I left finally, he drove off, I watched him, he turned around, I went over to him and climbed in.
He asked me where to take me, did not drop me of at mcdonalds, i needed to eat soon and drink milk so the laxatives would work quicker when i took them, and boy my stomach hurt, I like that feeling though, I'm hungry because I'm not eating. he didn't take me there, and when I noticed us leaving the town I live in I still didn't say anything, didn't care. I couldn't have cared less if he had kidnapped me, raped me and then killed me by then.
It started out with some hand holding, I didn't care, let him do whatever, I was more curious then scared. Then I found my hand on a certain thing,... um, big thing really. I was wondering then has he been driving with his shorts down or when did he somehow manage to undress himself there without my noticing and driving? I didn't care. I was hoping he'd get me far far away and also thinking it was wierd how I left the hpouse, then bought some laxatives to cause pain I guess and also pills to od on, and then here I am in a car with a stranger and I end up almost having sex with him.
We drove past an atm machine twice when he mentioned he'd do that first,because the truck was litterally on empty. He needed some money and then gas. He wanted to park somewhere but where? We drive through a residential street, don't see a place and then on the way out, I was just looking at this place, it was like a house, but huge all around and there were five black and whites (cop cars) and a few other cars in the drive way. I pulled away them, said um, maybe right here isn't such a great idea. He had said he was 20 and I told him I was 16 next month. We finally get to an atm and then he got undressed, kissed me softly twice before dropping me off, saying he'd call me tonight. I knew he wouldn't. I wa sterrified at mcdonalds, some men were in line talking baout how fattening one of them sandwiches were, and they and two ladies in front of them were complianing about how slow the service was, I was woken up from my daze, not sure of what t0 do next. So I ate, then I threw up, then I walked home, then I could on;ly lay down, I was dizzy walking home, and scared to death, but wanting to die.
I slept, went to work today after mom noticed the missing money and was going to blame a boy that spent the other night here, and then I confessed, she said I don't want to have anything to do with you, that's it you're this, you're even stealing from me now, et cetera.
At work I mentioned a little bit of it to the manager really quick and asked if my mom decided to poress charges and have me locked up if I'd still be an employee there, and she said yes, I can't believe that, would your mom really do that? I said she would and she has done stuff like that, many times. when she hit me and I became hysterical one night years ago, he "restrained" me and told Teri, my age, my twin sis to call the police and they came and held me in a detention center for two daysm, claiming I was dangerous to mom. :( It was like three Haloweens ago.
Today I ran oyut of the hpouse crying, and after that meeting I ran from that krogers parking lot,... I really need to get out of here.
I was going to kill myself tonight, I miss people, and I will never make it past high school along with getting to be a medic, ff,... and the one guy that loves me when I went out with rj, david said that he was avoiding me because his heart was breaking and he had thought about killing himself over that weekend, I don't want the pressure, I can't go out with someone just so that they won't kill theirselves! But I feel responsible, I want selfishly out of that, too.
So far I'm not going to even try it anymore, but I'm giving myself two more hours on the idea tonight. I want to read some of this book, write a little, and make plans, and if I can't do it anymore, I won'tt. I'll sleep after taking them, and if anything will be put in an instituion or something,.. but then again I want to run away first, do something different like that.I have to plan,... in case this is the last time I'm on here,... if I live and ever get near a computer again I'll write a better goodbye and I'll write emails to certain people,.. I need to get out, somehow. Ciao