I think that it is very important for everyone to always feel at least somewhat in control, whether it is for a certain situation, self control, et cetera.
I just figured something out, whenever my life feels dissorganized, or out of control, that's when I reley on my eating dosorder the most. For me, it is not a disorder, but my way of controlling my life.
Last night I didn't have too much to eat during the day, and I was bowling, working at a rest., and cleaning the house so I was burning a lot of calories up that I didn't have in me, and then I got really hungry at 4 a.m. and ate a HUGE meal, that's also really fattening, and I realized as soon as I woke up and Dad asked me if I wanted to go to this rest. we always go to, usually for pop and coffee, I realized that I couldn't eat. So, i didn't eat all day, and it got to where I get crazy about it, I noticed every commercial advertising food, there's 3 meals that are under 3 bucks at burger king, a department store advertisement had the famous Thanksgiving turkey on it a lot, and some other stuff. I have to either keep eating, or keep thinking and day dreaming about food when I get like that. That's when I give in and eat, then later I realize I have to throw it up, and then I can't eat again because I screwed up and I have to start over. It get's tiring, really. Yet I can't live without it.
I do a lot of side jobs now, because I wasn't happy with one regular job, but now I'm sick and tired of being so busy. I'm tired of friends complaining that I don't call or visit, when they never ever bother either, and I'm tired of relying on my calendar/appointment book to see what all I have to do in one day, I get burned out of everything it seems. I don't sleep good still, I have been depressed, and I feel like there is no hope. I'm not sure if I believe in anything that could possibly help: angels, God, counseling, pils, friendship, support. It hurts.
Also, I love this guy, he's amazing and fasinating, and I'm crazy about him, but he likes this one girl. She, on the other hand, has a boyfriend, but this guy likes her, not me. It's actually really complicated, because we act like a couple would, but we don't call each other boy/girl friend, and we don't kiss or have sex. I did go to a porn shop with him one day, though. I refuse toofficially date anyone else while I'm feeling this way about this guy, because I can't date someone unless they could top him, it's not right to make people second best.
I'm confused about my whole life. And I'm tired. I'm not really suicidal, I am just wary of everything and tired. What could I do
I just figured something out, whenever my life feels dissorganized, or out of control, that's when I reley on my eating dosorder the most. For me, it is not a disorder, but my way of controlling my life.
Last night I didn't have too much to eat during the day, and I was bowling, working at a rest., and cleaning the house so I was burning a lot of calories up that I didn't have in me, and then I got really hungry at 4 a.m. and ate a HUGE meal, that's also really fattening, and I realized as soon as I woke up and Dad asked me if I wanted to go to this rest. we always go to, usually for pop and coffee, I realized that I couldn't eat. So, i didn't eat all day, and it got to where I get crazy about it, I noticed every commercial advertising food, there's 3 meals that are under 3 bucks at burger king, a department store advertisement had the famous Thanksgiving turkey on it a lot, and some other stuff. I have to either keep eating, or keep thinking and day dreaming about food when I get like that. That's when I give in and eat, then later I realize I have to throw it up, and then I can't eat again because I screwed up and I have to start over. It get's tiring, really. Yet I can't live without it.
I do a lot of side jobs now, because I wasn't happy with one regular job, but now I'm sick and tired of being so busy. I'm tired of friends complaining that I don't call or visit, when they never ever bother either, and I'm tired of relying on my calendar/appointment book to see what all I have to do in one day, I get burned out of everything it seems. I don't sleep good still, I have been depressed, and I feel like there is no hope. I'm not sure if I believe in anything that could possibly help: angels, God, counseling, pils, friendship, support. It hurts.
Also, I love this guy, he's amazing and fasinating, and I'm crazy about him, but he likes this one girl. She, on the other hand, has a boyfriend, but this guy likes her, not me. It's actually really complicated, because we act like a couple would, but we don't call each other boy/girl friend, and we don't kiss or have sex. I did go to a porn shop with him one day, though. I refuse toofficially date anyone else while I'm feeling this way about this guy, because I can't date someone unless they could top him, it's not right to make people second best.
I'm confused about my whole life. And I'm tired. I'm not really suicidal, I am just wary of everything and tired. What could I do