Well, It's been a while since I wrote in here. I'm not sure of what to even say. I've been ok, but could be better. I have all of these negative feelings about everything anymore, and I can't just pack them up and put them aside, I have to ponder relentlessly about them.
Sometimes people tell me I'm not trying very hard with things. I always think I am, and I get tired of others saying otherwise. I'm just so damn stubborn at times. I also know that for all of my struggling, I haven't gotten myself any farther in life. I am 19 and a big fat loser. I am not happy in general, or content with myself. I am in the way of others, and I just get to where I feel so stuck with this sucky life and I feel so hopeless that it'll ever even just seem slightly managable. I can't imagine being able to live to my next big b- day, my 21st.
I hate myself and I hate how I'm living. I get so fed up with myself that I just want to give up and do whatever the hell I want to do. I feel so quilty all the time about stupid things, like letting some people in, knowing that I'll just end up dissappointing them in some way, and I feel quilty about taking pleasues in some odd things. I have totally lost interest in a lot of things that used to be important to me, and I feel lost when it comes to thinking about what I am interested in today, right now.
I am so tired of trying so hard for nothing that sometimes I fantasize about just taking off one day, just leaving. I don't know if I am considering suicide, or if I just want a brand new start, or if I just feel so bad about people and things now that I want to take myself away so I can be less of a problem, or what. I have convinced myself that everyone would be much happier and the world would be a better place without me in it. I don't care how pitiful that sounds, it's pitiful that I truley believe it.
The only time I ever feel as if I'm in that "happy place" is when I cut, or when I'm high, or when I'm drunk off my ass and seeing double. Sometimes I at least onl get the feeling of being in control when I take my laxes, o starve, or cut my wrist.
Sometimes people tell me I'm not trying very hard with things. I always think I am, and I get tired of others saying otherwise. I'm just so damn stubborn at times. I also know that for all of my struggling, I haven't gotten myself any farther in life. I am 19 and a big fat loser. I am not happy in general, or content with myself. I am in the way of others, and I just get to where I feel so stuck with this sucky life and I feel so hopeless that it'll ever even just seem slightly managable. I can't imagine being able to live to my next big b- day, my 21st.
I hate myself and I hate how I'm living. I get so fed up with myself that I just want to give up and do whatever the hell I want to do. I feel so quilty all the time about stupid things, like letting some people in, knowing that I'll just end up dissappointing them in some way, and I feel quilty about taking pleasues in some odd things. I have totally lost interest in a lot of things that used to be important to me, and I feel lost when it comes to thinking about what I am interested in today, right now.
I am so tired of trying so hard for nothing that sometimes I fantasize about just taking off one day, just leaving. I don't know if I am considering suicide, or if I just want a brand new start, or if I just feel so bad about people and things now that I want to take myself away so I can be less of a problem, or what. I have convinced myself that everyone would be much happier and the world would be a better place without me in it. I don't care how pitiful that sounds, it's pitiful that I truley believe it.
The only time I ever feel as if I'm in that "happy place" is when I cut, or when I'm high, or when I'm drunk off my ass and seeing double. Sometimes I at least onl get the feeling of being in control when I take my laxes, o starve, or cut my wrist.