Today is a bad day. I'm on my period, I chose to not sleep last night, I have only one joint left, and I'm totally suicidal and confused about my life. I hate myself and I am starting to have a really hard time with others right now, and all of my cicumstances, like my jobs. I just threw up lunch, I took the longest time and still could probably get some chunks out, but I'm too tired to deal with it anymore. I may even just take the syrup of ipecac and get it over with. I'll be fine by tomorrow, but the thing is, Jason's parents will be home soon and I don't think that they could deal with me having an eating disorder,. I mean, how would they react? What would they think? I know they may have figured it out by now, I know they may understand a little bit at least about them, but what would they think? Would they be proud of me or disgusted with me? What if they smell past the perfume and smell the vomit or see little pieces of it in the bathroom? What if I look or smell like I just threw up? Will they get the worng idea and think that I'm pregnant like my twin now is?
Does Jason know? Has he knowmn? Is that why he's being so different anymore? Are we about to break up? Does he love me? Should I go home right now? Should I just off myself and not have to worry or wander anymore? I hate my body, I hate living and I hate myself. I get so sad and scared about just life anymore that it is not even funny.
I wish I could allow myself to be free, just like Dobby with the sock in Harry Potter, free from myself and all of these negativce things. I wish I felt free to be happy, free to be pissed off, et cetera. I wish I could leave everyone alone and get them out of my way of being miserable. I wish I could really care again, and not want to die so badly. I wish I had the guts and courage to go ahead with it now, not just later. I really wish that things didn't stand in the way, like friends, Jason, explanations, Teri having her first baby. It's like me having one, I couldn't miss out on it! This baby will never know what hit him or her. This poor, innocent baby.
Does Jason know? Has he knowmn? Is that why he's being so different anymore? Are we about to break up? Does he love me? Should I go home right now? Should I just off myself and not have to worry or wander anymore? I hate my body, I hate living and I hate myself. I get so sad and scared about just life anymore that it is not even funny.
I wish I could allow myself to be free, just like Dobby with the sock in Harry Potter, free from myself and all of these negativce things. I wish I felt free to be happy, free to be pissed off, et cetera. I wish I could leave everyone alone and get them out of my way of being miserable. I wish I could really care again, and not want to die so badly. I wish I had the guts and courage to go ahead with it now, not just later. I really wish that things didn't stand in the way, like friends, Jason, explanations, Teri having her first baby. It's like me having one, I couldn't miss out on it! This baby will never know what hit him or her. This poor, innocent baby.