"Hello. This is the Kaiser Permanente medical appointment hotline. If you are having a medical or psychiatric emergency, please call 911."
I spent a few nanoseconds trying to choose between those two scintillating choices. Am I having a medical or a psychiatric situation here? What number do you call if you are having both at the same time?
(Oh, that's when you call Tom Selleck.)
Right.
Somebody get him on the phone.
I will not go into the details, of WHY I was calling the Kaiser Permanente medical appointment hotline at 7 in the morning, but suffice it to say it has to do with hormones, and being awakened at 4 AM. . . just for fun. Do you suppose it's too many hormones, or not enough, or hormones turning on at the wrong times? Hormones that have gone out to lunch and decided to move to Brazil? Hormones that are AWOL? Hormones that have delusions of grandeur? Introverted hormones? Extroverted maybe? Hormones gone ghetto? Hormones from Hell? Hormones on Crack Cocaine?
What's really scary, is that last night I was in the pits of despair and this morning I feel great, and in fact I feel that edgy little thrill that alerts me when I am in a manic state. I was witty, nay, hilarious on the phone with the evaluation nurse this morning. Although I'll bet she's heard women like me before. . .
"Hi, my name is Peri-menopausal, and I'm MANIC today, woo hoo! I don't remember why I'm calling you, but I think you better give me an appointment and I'll figure it out on the way over there. You have my photo ID on file? Good. Because I don't know if it will be me, or the OTHER one who actually shows up at the office. We look alike, but trust me, I'm the FUN one! You won't like her, she's a mess. Ten minutes in the room with old gloomy drawers and you will be wanting to slit your wrists. You just hope and pray that I'm the one who walks through the door for the exam. Trust me on this one."
The poor overworked nurse knows how to get rid of me too. "The office will call you later to schedule an appointment."
Yeah. But who knows if old what's her name, the one who woke up at 4 AM will remember ME making the call in the first place? Will she know to take us IN to the doctor? I better leave her a note or something.
Dear In a little while, the doctor's office is going to call. Don't hang up on them! Let them give you an appointment for today. Trust me, we need to go in. I'll try to meet you at the specified time. Leave ME a note by the phone just in case I don't see you before then. Hang in there. And if all goes well, after the appointment, I'll take you SHOPPING, there's a good girl." Your Wild and Whacky OTHER SelfGloomy , um, Alternate Self,
Hormones. You gotta love 'em!
Think it will work? Here, I'll put a cookie next to the note. She will be SURE to find that!