I am more than happy to report that the old Mercedes passed its test yesterday. Though the whole experience got me in a sarcastic and philosophical mood. It seems like everything we do these days requires some kind of hoop jumping. We are regulated to death if you ask me. It even extends to absurd things like our local paper not running ads for free kittens or puppies. It's against their policy. And a few weeks ago, I read that some local animal rights group was trying to make it unlawful to give away pets in front of stores. They said that getting a pet on impulse is not wise and should be overseen by ... you guessed it, THEM.
In my ruminations, I extrapolated these regulatory impulses in our society to their logical conclusion and came up with the following:
[Laugh now, it may be your last chance to do so without a permit.]
Name:_______________________________
Address: _____________________________
Is this a certified address? Yes___ No ___
(If No, please explain) ____________________________
Date of Birth ____________
Was this a certified birth? Yes ___ No ___
Do you have 4 certified copies of your birth certificate?
Yes ___ No ___
(If No, please explain) ___________________________
Names of ALL living relatives and their addresses and
certified copies of their birth certificates.
(Attach these documents along with form 94738-b)
List all former addresses, starting with your current dwelling.
_____________________________________________
Were these certified addresses? Yes ___ No ___
(If not, please explain) ___________________________
Attach ALL medical records from the day of your mother's
EPT test. (Form 39494-c)
What is your general state of health? Be specific.
_____________________________________________
Do you feel ill right now? Yes___ No ___
(If NO, please explain why not.)
_____________________________________________
In 25 words or less, explain why you should have the
right to exist. (In compliance with the Freedom From
Deities Act 84958839-d, you may not invoke any higher
powers.)
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
What have you done in the last 10 years that has benefitted
humanity?
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
I ___________________ affirm that the above information
is true and certifiable in a court of law under penalty of
perjury unless I am really really rich or really really famous
or really really talented in the opinion of the Academy Awards
and/or Simon Cowell (Attach certified signature of Mr. Cowell)
[Good luck with that]
Date _____________________
Application Fee: $1436.42
(Paying this fee does not guarantee that you will be issued a
Permit To Exist.)
You may only apply once in any calendar year.
Pending board review, a certified copy of these documents
may be used as a temporary Permit To Exist in all states but
Alaska and North Dakota where people do pretty much as
they please.
You may obtain certified copies downstairs for a fee of
$425.00
When you receive your Permit To Exist tags, you must
display them openly. Failure to do so may result in arrest and/or people not inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner.
[See the enclosed brochure "Exist Proudly!"
for creative ways to wear your tags]
[A waiver to carry concealed Permit To Exist tags is
available for extra fees.
Plus completion of an Exister's Safety Course.
Ask for form 493005993-e ]
Permits must be renewed every 10 years. Failure to comply
may result in imprisonment [at your own expense]...
fines and/or you feeling really really bad about
yourself.
Form 3940094839-f
In my ruminations, I extrapolated these regulatory impulses in our society to their logical conclusion and came up with the following:
[Laugh now, it may be your last chance to do so without a permit.]
Permit To Exist
Application Form 42998-a
Name:_______________________________
Address: _____________________________
Is this a certified address? Yes___ No ___
(If No, please explain) ____________________________
Date of Birth ____________
Was this a certified birth? Yes ___ No ___
Do you have 4 certified copies of your birth certificate?
Yes ___ No ___
(If No, please explain) ___________________________
Names of ALL living relatives and their addresses and
certified copies of their birth certificates.
(Attach these documents along with form 94738-b)
List all former addresses, starting with your current dwelling.
_____________________________________________
Were these certified addresses? Yes ___ No ___
(If not, please explain) ___________________________
Attach ALL medical records from the day of your mother's
EPT test. (Form 39494-c)
What is your general state of health? Be specific.
_____________________________________________
Do you feel ill right now? Yes___ No ___
(If NO, please explain why not.)
_____________________________________________
In 25 words or less, explain why you should have the
right to exist. (In compliance with the Freedom From
Deities Act 84958839-d, you may not invoke any higher
powers.)
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
What have you done in the last 10 years that has benefitted
humanity?
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
I ___________________ affirm that the above information
is true and certifiable in a court of law under penalty of
perjury unless I am really really rich or really really famous
or really really talented in the opinion of the Academy Awards
and/or Simon Cowell (Attach certified signature of Mr. Cowell)
[Good luck with that]
Date _____________________
Application Fee: $1436.42
(Paying this fee does not guarantee that you will be issued a
Permit To Exist.)
You may only apply once in any calendar year.
Pending board review, a certified copy of these documents
may be used as a temporary Permit To Exist in all states but
Alaska and North Dakota where people do pretty much as
they please.
You may obtain certified copies downstairs for a fee of
$425.00
When you receive your Permit To Exist tags, you must
display them openly. Failure to do so may result in arrest and/or people not inviting you to Thanksgiving dinner.
[See the enclosed brochure "Exist Proudly!"
for creative ways to wear your tags]
[A waiver to carry concealed Permit To Exist tags is
available for extra fees.
Plus completion of an Exister's Safety Course.
Ask for form 493005993-e ]
Permits must be renewed every 10 years. Failure to comply
may result in imprisonment [at your own expense]...
fines and/or you feeling really really bad about
yourself.
Form 3940094839-f