DearDiary Logo
Public DiariesHomeLogin

D'vorahDavida
Yetzirah

How To Save Money On Dog Food
Tue Aug 03 2010


1. Send your cat out into the back yard in the middle of the night. Your cat is going to need some quiet, uninterrupted time to do what cats do at night in the jungly back yard.

1a. Let the sun come up.

2. Totally space out that you had intended to start doing a sweep of the back yard before you let the dogs out in the morning.

3. Open the back door.

4. Get bare foot stepped on by big galoot dog with 'the pretty eyes'. Yeah, right. Her eyes might be pretty but her feet are lethal.

5. Notice that the cat is fooling around with something by the retaining wall.

6. Suddenly remember your intentions about the yard sweep.

7. Hand slap forehead.

8. Emit unladylike language.

9. Observe Ben trotting by with a large vole dangling from his mouth. Hear crunch of skull as he passes.

10. Call Sunny into the house, thinking that will help the situation.

11. Realize you are six or seven kinds of fool.

12. Wander around the house berating yourself.

13. Check the back yard again. Observe Ben grabbing a second vole off Fiona's slaughtering area.

14. Hear skull crunching commence.

14a. Confirm to the neighbors that you have potty mouth.

15. Measure out dog food for Sunny.

15a. Throw it in her dish with no extra goodies out of sheer spite, thinking she will get on Ben's case later and try to make him feel guilty about eating voles and messing up her breakfast.

16. Resolve that Ben is getting no dog food this morning.

Net savings: 3/4 cup dry premium dog food.

Net level of disgust and remorse: 9.75
Probability that this will happen again tomorrow morning: 9.9

(Level of desire to find other employment: 10.9999. The creatures of this household are creeping me out. Never mind the lack of mental stimulation amid the untamed fauna. Hey, we may live in the suburbs, but it's like Wild Kingdom most of the time. Somebody get me outta here.)


6 Comments
  • From:
    Pragmatist (Legacy)
    On:
    Tue Aug 03 2010
    Well, now, see what happens when you have a dog and live in the 'burbs with a nice back yard?

    You would never have to feed commercial dog food ever again if you lived here. Voles all over the place. Almost as numerous as the trees.

    Bless
  • From:
    Mamallama (Legacy)
    On:
    Tue Aug 03 2010
    You HAD to mention the skull crunching part didn't you?
    *covers mouth and runs for bathroom*
    Remind me to tell you what Leena was chewing on last week. I wasn't going to, but now payback is due.
    Bleh.......
  • From:
    Welshamethyst (Legacy)
    On:
    Tue Aug 03 2010
    gives new meaning to crunchy food, eh?
  • From:
    InStitches (Legacy)
    On:
    Wed Aug 04 2010
    Dear (),

    For one very brief moment I considered your plight and where you might go. Then I realized there is no escape from that which creeps you out. Creepy is everywhere; in every city, in every town, and in every household which houses pets. Indeed creepy things live in every place where people exist, but that is a discussion for another day.

    Why just yesterday while I was outside enjoying a quiet moment who should waltz by but the cat; a cat, I might add, with a butt and tail sticking out of its mouth. Talk about creepy; think of the germs. Anyway, to make matters worse said cat gave the wee thing a flip into the air just as he walked past me.

    I was not amused, but such behavior seems to come with cats so I accept it because the cat does have some redeeming qualities. He makes me laugh and for that I am willing to accept a bit of creepy.

    Perhaps you can find that same bright side to the Wild Kingdom in which you reside. Honestly I don't see that you have any other choice. The economy is way out of kilter and there just aren't that many openings for punctuation marks. Besides, what would the hen do without you? And you know you would miss Little Miss Sunshine.

    So buck it up [no pun intended] and count your blessings. You have it pretty good even if it does get a bit creepy from time to time.

    And smile.... it helps.

    Here's how its done. :) See, its easy. :) :) :)

    Quilty
  • From:
    Welshamethyst (Legacy)
    On:
    Fri Aug 06 2010
    RYC: you are a naughty, naughty girl *laffs*
  • From:
    Allimom (Legacy)
    On:
    Sat Aug 07 2010
    We have rats in our back yard, can I borrow your cat? :^)
    Alli