I woke up at 5 am today because someone was pressing a pillow to my face trying to suffocate me. It was a flu. Or a cold. Someone from that gang, anyway. And it was really scary, as I gagged desperately trying to grasp at least a molecule of oxygen and couldn’t. Took a while to re-instate the breathing. Funny how the only thought that was on my mind that moment – gee it’s only Monday and they won’t find me until Friday, when my lodger will knock the door bringing his rent. Death threats do that to us, don’t they, they render our mind stupid. Anyway, as I finally, more or less, stabilised the oxygen supply to my brains, sure enough I couldn’t get back to sleep anymore, scared of the same might happens again. Did I say I was scared. Do you know that we become the wisest on our death bed?! As I was sitting there in the darkness of the indecent morning’s waking hours, listening carefully to my own breathing, I had nothing else to do but to think…yeah, as if I only think when I have nothing else to do. Or, maybe I am, actually. Anyway. What was the point? Ah, I have had some wise thinkings this morning.
What is forgiveness…it is an acceptance of what the other has done. By forgiving we are saying yes, you did it, yes, it hurt me, but I am willing to wave my natural reaction for the sake of everything else we have between us. The value of what shared in relationship, be it a love or friendship, out weights the amount of pain we are prepared to endure in relation to it. Different people can forgive on different levels. The less a person is forgiving, the more they are concerned about themselves in relationship rather then A relationship itself. They are not prepared for the stings when they go for the honey.
I consider myself a forgiving person. With friendships I have it simple. When negative feelings about the friendship exceeded the positive, I would distance myself and see if with the new angle my perceptions change. If not, then it’s just meant to let go. With x…it was a bit different, I think. It is more difficult to allow those whom we love to be less then ideal. We love them, they must be perfect then, is it not true? When we love, we believe that they are what we think of them. But even a perfect friend can bruise us at times. An accidental slip of hand or foot got in a way and tripped you slightly. Mistakes can be made unaware that they are mistakes until we see the consequence. That I can understand. And that I can forgive as easily as shrug my shoulders and shake off the unpleasant moment. We all make our mistakes and you who have not sinned, can cast a stone. Not me. A totally different matter is when they did it once, they learned that they hurt you, and then they do the same again, knowing the effect this time. and again…and again…I am a forgiving person. Yet I’m not buying into the theory of forgive all who wrong you. There are wrongs and then there are wrongs. By granting them forgiveness I allow myself to be treated the way they did. I have my own views on how I deserved to be treated. And my only need is to be treated with respect. Period. You were free to go if you feel you cannot stay, but u didn’t have to break my self-esteem to pieces and leave me at a total loss of my own self…it was enough that I've lost you, I didn't need to loose my own sense of being in that as well. I’m not cultivating hatred though. I’m cultivating the exclusion from my life.
I did my share of nest building. I am not inspired to start a new one. I think, once the instincts have been satisfied, there isn’t much attraction in the idea. I have my very own nest and I’m damn proud of it and I'm protective of it and I am not looking for anyone to come and wreck it or even to rebuild another one together to that matter. What would be nice is a simple companionship. Not to help with the chores, but to share enjoyment of life as it happens. But then, again, this is not a need, this is just a want and I remember a mantra I’ve been chanting religiously in my time of the need to let him go: “I only want him, I do not need him”…kind of when what you want doesn’t happens, learn to want what does, right?
Yes, I have taken recent tales off the public eye. I am not inspired this time at all. When and if I feel like it, I’ll sharethem back. Currently the need is more of saying nothing at all by playing with the reflections of the moods. Whichever form they might appear, writings or thoughts or just wisps of dreams, doesn’t matter. I think, everyone’s entitled to their own ways of re-aligning with reality.