I got to school early as usual, eventually figured out that we were supposed to wear school colors, red and gray, and that we had a pep rally. I had two classes and left at the beg. of my third bell, gym, my real mother picked me up to take me to my second evaluation meeting with the new doctor.
She got there at 9, ourappointment was 9:30, we were a few minutes late from road construction on the exit ramp, but we still had to wait like an hour, then in comes the doctor, holding her baby girl, and with her mother!
Needless to say, it was about 3 hours later when I got back to school, I signed back in at 12:20. I went to the last few minutes of rotc, my teacher, the commander, said, princess (he knows that I am now in a happy home life with a new mom he's seen me hug a lot at school, he calls me a spoiled princess) and where have you been? he also knows I skipped a lot, because master sarg. caught me once, but I didn't get in trouble. I showed him my note, was depressed, because of how bad the meeting was, mom came in at the end of it, wouldn't shut up, told too many personal things about my real dad I didn't want to hear, said what the doc. would want to hear, she came out with right away, I know that aI'm Mary's biggest problem, esp. since I gamble, but I gamble because I've been trying to get a divorce for the last 3 and a half years. Crap like that. Said how my dad did this, she found this and that in this secret room at the house, the locked room,.. et cetera. The doc only wanted family medical history, but mom didn't even know how dads parents died, he just told me last week, he's a real personal guy, but I have a disease I'll talk more about later that if left untreated, WHICH IT WON'T BE, could turn into cancer, and so he told me how his parents both died of lung cacer, his dad only drank as a boy, and oly smoked a little, his mom did neither but they both died of lung cancer, ten years apart. I say she died of second hand smoke. He told me this because a step, one of his older kids, she has breast cancer, and I may get cervical cancer, and maybe because of it being in the family. So I was depressed, commander could tell, got concerned and asked me if I wanted to go see T, my foster mom who works at school. I did want to, but knew that she would rather me stay in my classes. So I went back to my desk and as soon as I sat down, a real nice NS1, a ninth grader girl, she said desperatly, thank God you're here! I have never heard that about myself before, I was a little shocked and said hey, what's the matter? "Anne" layed her head down on her desk and she was shaking from crying. I leaned over, covered her in a hug, and waited it out for her to talk to me. I was looking at a version of myself, from before, except I never said some of the things she did out loud, just felt that way. She said she was ugly, couldn't get a boyfriend becauyse she wasn't pretty enough, her dad didn't want to see her, no she couldn't afford thew three dollars for the football game that night, she tried to klill herself 25 times,
My heart broke again, because I happen to like that girl a LOT and I think she is just so beautiful, she is enthusiastic, loves being a rotc cadet, she's friendly, always, always smiling before then, and just one of those special people that people like to be around. I cared a lot, and so it hurt seeing her that upset and feeling that way, I wonder now if that's why I upset poeple before when I did things like that hurting myself and feeling bad, saying bad things,.. I can make myself cry looking at old journal entries, like the paper ones, like my former goodbye letters when I felt suicidal,.. I was a sad little girl.
I didn't say I know how you feel, I used to want to kill myself, or anything like that. That wouldn't help, and also I learned in my mentoring classes and workshops that when you talk about yourself, likemgiving experiences to try and be helpful saying I've been there before, it makes them feel like their problems aren't important enough, and they won't trust to come back to you again. That's why it's wrong to say I understand when you may not really know how they feel or anything.
So I made sure to have her number to check up on her this weekend, I have called her, she just had a bad day, seems to be feeling better, I didn't bring up what happened in class, I just talked to her about normal things, as a friend. That was my first mentoriong job this year, and I haven't been assigned my freshman yet, my mentee. I used what I learned though with a friend who just needed a hug and someone to talk to, I am a true friend, I will do anything I can and need to for you.
So I went to my last class of the day after that, I saw when my teacher went to the door, I knew that it was T, asking her if I got back yet, later mom told me that she was worried about me, kepot checking to see when I'd get back from the doctors, she said she was afraid my real mom would get upset for some reason and just wasnn't taking me back to school, T was nervous, it was my first visit kind of with the real mother. I wishI would have thought to call her to explain it was taking a long time!
So then we had a sucky pep rally, T took em home then went back to school, security had to work at the game, and later after eatimng enarby the school, J and I met up again with her at the football game, he explained some of the things about foot ball to me, like 4 downs to make 10 yards, and fumbling, I messed with this girl there, she's obsessed with T, T is someone who has a lot of compassion and loves students, gives us all hugs and talks to us, and so I took K, the girl with me to meet my dad, while sitting with him, she di8dn't know his name, but she was like when did ms. b get married, and stuff like that, I said dad, when did ms. b get married, he smiled, knew I was messing with the girl. Later I told her, did you know you just met her husband? It took her a while to figure out, put 2 and 2 together that my dad being ms. b's husban, that they are both kind of family to me now. Ms. B told me in front of K to go sit with dad, so I know she was giving me permission to tell her about it, I wsas polite and firm with my no when K asked me for my home number though, knowing if I gave it to her, she'd use it to call T instead, and that it may get into this one girls hands, this girl that she's hard to explain, but is also obsessed with T, she also is big on attention, last year this girl called a help line, told them that at school T took her in the office and abused her, almost made T lose her job, T won't have anything to do with her, but the girl is still trying to manipulate T and stuff, always doing things like leaving a voice mail at work, saying I'm sorry, I love you,... she even gave T a birthday present, some candles and stuff, I asked T who gave her that present and she said the girls' name and rolled her eyes, saidd she won't give up. I know it's hard for T, but she can't forgive her and start over, she could lose her job that way, because the girl will domanything to get attention no matter what. This girl is the same one that called the police telling them that her and I had a suicidal pact, I was at Grandma's when they came over, pissed as anything, I haven't even talked to the girl that day! She has serious issues. We all try to stay away from her. Gotta go for now, wqill update more later if I can,..... take care
She got there at 9, ourappointment was 9:30, we were a few minutes late from road construction on the exit ramp, but we still had to wait like an hour, then in comes the doctor, holding her baby girl, and with her mother!
Needless to say, it was about 3 hours later when I got back to school, I signed back in at 12:20. I went to the last few minutes of rotc, my teacher, the commander, said, princess (he knows that I am now in a happy home life with a new mom he's seen me hug a lot at school, he calls me a spoiled princess) and where have you been? he also knows I skipped a lot, because master sarg. caught me once, but I didn't get in trouble. I showed him my note, was depressed, because of how bad the meeting was, mom came in at the end of it, wouldn't shut up, told too many personal things about my real dad I didn't want to hear, said what the doc. would want to hear, she came out with right away, I know that aI'm Mary's biggest problem, esp. since I gamble, but I gamble because I've been trying to get a divorce for the last 3 and a half years. Crap like that. Said how my dad did this, she found this and that in this secret room at the house, the locked room,.. et cetera. The doc only wanted family medical history, but mom didn't even know how dads parents died, he just told me last week, he's a real personal guy, but I have a disease I'll talk more about later that if left untreated, WHICH IT WON'T BE, could turn into cancer, and so he told me how his parents both died of lung cacer, his dad only drank as a boy, and oly smoked a little, his mom did neither but they both died of lung cancer, ten years apart. I say she died of second hand smoke. He told me this because a step, one of his older kids, she has breast cancer, and I may get cervical cancer, and maybe because of it being in the family. So I was depressed, commander could tell, got concerned and asked me if I wanted to go see T, my foster mom who works at school. I did want to, but knew that she would rather me stay in my classes. So I went back to my desk and as soon as I sat down, a real nice NS1, a ninth grader girl, she said desperatly, thank God you're here! I have never heard that about myself before, I was a little shocked and said hey, what's the matter? "Anne" layed her head down on her desk and she was shaking from crying. I leaned over, covered her in a hug, and waited it out for her to talk to me. I was looking at a version of myself, from before, except I never said some of the things she did out loud, just felt that way. She said she was ugly, couldn't get a boyfriend becauyse she wasn't pretty enough, her dad didn't want to see her, no she couldn't afford thew three dollars for the football game that night, she tried to klill herself 25 times,
My heart broke again, because I happen to like that girl a LOT and I think she is just so beautiful, she is enthusiastic, loves being a rotc cadet, she's friendly, always, always smiling before then, and just one of those special people that people like to be around. I cared a lot, and so it hurt seeing her that upset and feeling that way, I wonder now if that's why I upset poeple before when I did things like that hurting myself and feeling bad, saying bad things,.. I can make myself cry looking at old journal entries, like the paper ones, like my former goodbye letters when I felt suicidal,.. I was a sad little girl.
I didn't say I know how you feel, I used to want to kill myself, or anything like that. That wouldn't help, and also I learned in my mentoring classes and workshops that when you talk about yourself, likemgiving experiences to try and be helpful saying I've been there before, it makes them feel like their problems aren't important enough, and they won't trust to come back to you again. That's why it's wrong to say I understand when you may not really know how they feel or anything.
So I made sure to have her number to check up on her this weekend, I have called her, she just had a bad day, seems to be feeling better, I didn't bring up what happened in class, I just talked to her about normal things, as a friend. That was my first mentoriong job this year, and I haven't been assigned my freshman yet, my mentee. I used what I learned though with a friend who just needed a hug and someone to talk to, I am a true friend, I will do anything I can and need to for you.
So I went to my last class of the day after that, I saw when my teacher went to the door, I knew that it was T, asking her if I got back yet, later mom told me that she was worried about me, kepot checking to see when I'd get back from the doctors, she said she was afraid my real mom would get upset for some reason and just wasnn't taking me back to school, T was nervous, it was my first visit kind of with the real mother. I wishI would have thought to call her to explain it was taking a long time!
So then we had a sucky pep rally, T took em home then went back to school, security had to work at the game, and later after eatimng enarby the school, J and I met up again with her at the football game, he explained some of the things about foot ball to me, like 4 downs to make 10 yards, and fumbling, I messed with this girl there, she's obsessed with T, T is someone who has a lot of compassion and loves students, gives us all hugs and talks to us, and so I took K, the girl with me to meet my dad, while sitting with him, she di8dn't know his name, but she was like when did ms. b get married, and stuff like that, I said dad, when did ms. b get married, he smiled, knew I was messing with the girl. Later I told her, did you know you just met her husband? It took her a while to figure out, put 2 and 2 together that my dad being ms. b's husban, that they are both kind of family to me now. Ms. B told me in front of K to go sit with dad, so I know she was giving me permission to tell her about it, I wsas polite and firm with my no when K asked me for my home number though, knowing if I gave it to her, she'd use it to call T instead, and that it may get into this one girls hands, this girl that she's hard to explain, but is also obsessed with T, she also is big on attention, last year this girl called a help line, told them that at school T took her in the office and abused her, almost made T lose her job, T won't have anything to do with her, but the girl is still trying to manipulate T and stuff, always doing things like leaving a voice mail at work, saying I'm sorry, I love you,... she even gave T a birthday present, some candles and stuff, I asked T who gave her that present and she said the girls' name and rolled her eyes, saidd she won't give up. I know it's hard for T, but she can't forgive her and start over, she could lose her job that way, because the girl will domanything to get attention no matter what. This girl is the same one that called the police telling them that her and I had a suicidal pact, I was at Grandma's when they came over, pissed as anything, I haven't even talked to the girl that day! She has serious issues. We all try to stay away from her. Gotta go for now, wqill update more later if I can,..... take care