Well,.........
Saturday night I spent the night at my Grandmas, I wanted to and finaly could since I was off work Sat and Sun and plus my mom hurt my feelings as usual, she has this control thing, alway's has to be the biggest, and she often puts people down to pick herself up. That is what a lot of people think of her, not just me.
A friend was over spending Sunday night and we along with my twin were remincing about the good days when we got spanked, also the corner, being locked in our rooms, and even the running all over the house just to give yourself time to cover your face and try to stall her. It was weird laughing about all of that shit, the cutting board, the spatula, the hand, the dust, the bathroom.
The bathroom, I remember when we got it remodoled, all three of them. The paint and new stuff never covered all of the emotional, distressful times I at least have had in them. That is where I stood and cried till I was pulling my hair trying to figure out what I have done to her, why she hated me so much. That's where I cried because the bugman was standing in the hallway outside looking at me through the open door and laughing at my embarrasment since I was mostly naked and as much younger as I was, private with myself. That's where I am afraid to go alone after watching scary movies. The bathroom is where I took the first out of many od's, thinking that I just can't go on with this life.
It's where I have looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, instead of thinking this is the body that God gave me and it's healthy, I saw the ugliness and the fat. The bathroom is where I first dyed my hair, trying to cover this ugly thing up after getting raped, wanting to be a different person, someone who just wasn't me. It's where I have thrown up food, that so many people aren't blessed with, wasting it because I am on a diet and just ate that piece of pizza that all of the skinny people ate too. The bathroom holds the scale, too that I use to guide my life with.
I can't think of any good times in any of those bathrooms, Only the bad ones, and thinking about them makes me look at them as a different person and wonder who is that child and why does she want to live still??? How come she hasn't gone and ended it all yet???
Well, She can't end it all, because this is only the beginning. She has to live so that she can be there for someone else and say that she understands exactly what they are going through, she wants the chance to grow up with the people that do love her, (although she can't figure out why)and fall in love with someone who will love her for her, and to hell with the bathrooms!!!!!
I am her, and I will be ok, I just need a lot of help because I'm barely strong enough to handle this life already and I still have a full one ahead of me!!!
The sad thing is, I have been so lonely lately, I have been feeling invisible and like people that I love and they love me back are somewhere, just beyond my reach. I want them and need them here, though.
I have been also missing my boyfriend, I met him when I was in the eighth grade and he was so perfect, just the kind of person that I have alwyas wanted to be with. He was queit, and did things the old fashioned way. We went to a regular school dance one night, and I was in a very elegant dress and he had rented a tuxedo, I gave him a boutineer and he gave me a precious corsage and as soon as his mother dropped us off at the school I felt so great, not worried, or insecure. We had a blast and thankfully took a lot of pictures that I still have, and the home coming the next year when we were freshmans was ok, except that was the year when we just didn't talk much, didn't call, didn't do anything. I missed him a lot and started writing him these notes, asking him what was up and if he still wanted to go out. He never wrote or talked to me. Then one day he stood by my locker at lunchtime and he actually waited for me, he walked me down the steps. I was wearing a dress, and noone says that I act slutty or anything, but that dress did shape my chest a little and it's a little big for me, 38c. Well, he told me away from everyone that he does love me and that he wants a relationship like before, but more sexual. and we were behind the stairs and this wall, and he pulled me close and we kissed like never before, I think we even frenched but I'm not sure I know I tried, I really wanted to, not like with anyone else, I think it is something special and only the one you want to kiss can get it. But I recognized that look. I have by then been molested and raped enough to know what someone wants. I had to remind myself that I cared about him and that that was probably what he has been trying to keep to hisself, and that I think I missed him so much that I was just relieved. It didn't bother me, and there wasn't a whole lot of time to say much, though.
Since then and this summer, well, we haven't talked again and I really miss him but can't call him, I don''t know what to do, how to do it. I know I do care about him enough that I'll keep tryoing, but there's a problem with the sexual part, he doesn't know how much I know from unpleasant things about it, and how uncomfortable I am, he doesn't know a little while ago I was raped by a friend of a friend of a neighbors that I depise. I want to call hi really bad and have him come over or something, I'll see what he can do, he'll probably say that he's doing something else though. Maybe it's puppy love, but I do love him. I just hope he loves me back,... That's all for now, please add comments if you'd like, and if you can, somehow tell me how I can check them??? Thanks, take care and watch out for those bathrooms,...
Saturday night I spent the night at my Grandmas, I wanted to and finaly could since I was off work Sat and Sun and plus my mom hurt my feelings as usual, she has this control thing, alway's has to be the biggest, and she often puts people down to pick herself up. That is what a lot of people think of her, not just me.
A friend was over spending Sunday night and we along with my twin were remincing about the good days when we got spanked, also the corner, being locked in our rooms, and even the running all over the house just to give yourself time to cover your face and try to stall her. It was weird laughing about all of that shit, the cutting board, the spatula, the hand, the dust, the bathroom.
The bathroom, I remember when we got it remodoled, all three of them. The paint and new stuff never covered all of the emotional, distressful times I at least have had in them. That is where I stood and cried till I was pulling my hair trying to figure out what I have done to her, why she hated me so much. That's where I cried because the bugman was standing in the hallway outside looking at me through the open door and laughing at my embarrasment since I was mostly naked and as much younger as I was, private with myself. That's where I am afraid to go alone after watching scary movies. The bathroom is where I took the first out of many od's, thinking that I just can't go on with this life.
It's where I have looked in the mirror and hated what I saw, instead of thinking this is the body that God gave me and it's healthy, I saw the ugliness and the fat. The bathroom is where I first dyed my hair, trying to cover this ugly thing up after getting raped, wanting to be a different person, someone who just wasn't me. It's where I have thrown up food, that so many people aren't blessed with, wasting it because I am on a diet and just ate that piece of pizza that all of the skinny people ate too. The bathroom holds the scale, too that I use to guide my life with.
I can't think of any good times in any of those bathrooms, Only the bad ones, and thinking about them makes me look at them as a different person and wonder who is that child and why does she want to live still??? How come she hasn't gone and ended it all yet???
Well, She can't end it all, because this is only the beginning. She has to live so that she can be there for someone else and say that she understands exactly what they are going through, she wants the chance to grow up with the people that do love her, (although she can't figure out why)and fall in love with someone who will love her for her, and to hell with the bathrooms!!!!!
I am her, and I will be ok, I just need a lot of help because I'm barely strong enough to handle this life already and I still have a full one ahead of me!!!
The sad thing is, I have been so lonely lately, I have been feeling invisible and like people that I love and they love me back are somewhere, just beyond my reach. I want them and need them here, though.
I have been also missing my boyfriend, I met him when I was in the eighth grade and he was so perfect, just the kind of person that I have alwyas wanted to be with. He was queit, and did things the old fashioned way. We went to a regular school dance one night, and I was in a very elegant dress and he had rented a tuxedo, I gave him a boutineer and he gave me a precious corsage and as soon as his mother dropped us off at the school I felt so great, not worried, or insecure. We had a blast and thankfully took a lot of pictures that I still have, and the home coming the next year when we were freshmans was ok, except that was the year when we just didn't talk much, didn't call, didn't do anything. I missed him a lot and started writing him these notes, asking him what was up and if he still wanted to go out. He never wrote or talked to me. Then one day he stood by my locker at lunchtime and he actually waited for me, he walked me down the steps. I was wearing a dress, and noone says that I act slutty or anything, but that dress did shape my chest a little and it's a little big for me, 38c. Well, he told me away from everyone that he does love me and that he wants a relationship like before, but more sexual. and we were behind the stairs and this wall, and he pulled me close and we kissed like never before, I think we even frenched but I'm not sure I know I tried, I really wanted to, not like with anyone else, I think it is something special and only the one you want to kiss can get it. But I recognized that look. I have by then been molested and raped enough to know what someone wants. I had to remind myself that I cared about him and that that was probably what he has been trying to keep to hisself, and that I think I missed him so much that I was just relieved. It didn't bother me, and there wasn't a whole lot of time to say much, though.
Since then and this summer, well, we haven't talked again and I really miss him but can't call him, I don''t know what to do, how to do it. I know I do care about him enough that I'll keep tryoing, but there's a problem with the sexual part, he doesn't know how much I know from unpleasant things about it, and how uncomfortable I am, he doesn't know a little while ago I was raped by a friend of a friend of a neighbors that I depise. I want to call hi really bad and have him come over or something, I'll see what he can do, he'll probably say that he's doing something else though. Maybe it's puppy love, but I do love him. I just hope he loves me back,... That's all for now, please add comments if you'd like, and if you can, somehow tell me how I can check them??? Thanks, take care and watch out for those bathrooms,...