I am not doing well at all these last couple of days. I was doing great, and am starting to go downhill. I still desperately want to get better and will do ANYTHING I can to help myself, but life SUCKS. I am getting tired of living mine. I am NOT suicidal and will never ever be again but I am so so so depressed. I feel alone. I feel worthless, undeserving, hypocritical. I'm getting tired of trying so hard to be so nice and do my best and be kind no matter what,... I can't take it any longer. I want to stop caring now, I just know I can't. I need some love, and prayers, and for people to connect with me, but also to leave me alone. I want to be liked for real. I want friends. I can't trust people. I was recovering, now I want it to just take me back and get me through this. I hurt so bad yesterday and cried so hard and felt so irrational. I slept for a couple of hours only after finally starting to get into a better sleep/wake routine and had to deal with a TON of shit over a long amount of hours. I feel so catatonic right now. I am gettting to where I just don't even want to speak to people. I fake it for my kids, I mutter what I must to others. I want to leave, but have to stay, and I feel trapped. Might as well make the best of it, but how?
Have a party to go to sometime tomorrow. While I am not sure this is a good time for me to try to go somewhere like that, I'll want to look nice, remember to call this girl. Have all the other stuff taken care of as soon as possible. Wake up. Ignore the new houseguests. Take GREAT care of my kids, try to not hate living TOO much, drive my van with the donut tire to a place where I can get a new one with money my husband has to use out of half the tax refund, load up the van with old toddler beds and mattresses, and whatever else I can fit in there, drive to his house, drop off kids for night, get some groceries, deposit money in bank, pay my rent, eat my meals and snacks or say F it, which I really can't afford to do right now, it's so soon. I am just miserable. I want to be better but more then anything I feel like breaking something or screaming LOUD or I don't know. Life will go on, and this funk will go away. I hate this.